Obituary On Mr Ed U. Cation

• Jeremy Forbes, Grade 9
• Short Story
• 2009

Today we mourn the death of our treasured friend, Mr Ed U. Cation. His age is unspecified, as mathematics, years ago, like now, was something unknown. His life was highlighted by the creation of many schools during his time on earth. Sadly, his flamboyant and entertaining teaching and learning styles will be remembered by few. His inventions of teaching, tutoring and text-books are from a by-gone era.

Ed was probably born, like his fellow humans, in a cave. He learnt quickly and developed the skills of teaching. He lived this way for what seemed like thousands of years.

Ed lived by learning, his life wrapped up in a mixture of writing, thinking and later making textbooks, and developing smart technologies such as white boards.

His health began to deteriorate rapidly, when he discovered that his Latin was infected and needed to be surgically removed. Shortly thereafter, he needed a calculator to be surgically implanted, but this proved more complicated than was initially thought.

His health declined even more when he was struck down by a fever of texting, which never resolved. He broke his Grammar, which never healed probably, and caused immense pain. As well as this, when he discovered that “spelling” was replaced by a “Spell check”, he felt considerably worse. His death was hurried along when he caught a dose of the new strain of virulent “Google-it” ‘flu.

Ed was physically traumatised when, after being attacked by school children, and defending himself, he was arrested and charged with child abuse. Finally, last Tuesday he could live no longer when he discovered that at most major universities, you could undertake a degree in Exercise Rehabilitation.

Mr Ed U. Cation was preceded in death by his Father, Dick Shonary. He was survived by his pet dinosaur, Thesaurus, and estranged children Mr Com Pu Ter, Ms Wee and Mrs O B City.

Mr Ed U. Cation will be remembered for a couple of different things. For a minority, he will be remembered as providing a job for teachers and enhancing the lives of many, but for others, it will be a memory of boring billions of children. Not many people attended his funeral, as they were all intently staring at a screen, virtually killing enemies. If you still remember him, then tell your friends. If not, just join the majority and do nothing.