Isolation

• Lauren Steddy, Grade 10
• Short Story
• 2007

I walk up the cold steps. My heart beating hard, fast, feeling like it’s about to leap out of my chest.
I don’t want to be here, why am I here. I could turn around right now, GO! GO! GO! The thought goes through my head. Panic fleeing through every nerve in my body. My senses strain, every sensation increased tenfold.
The high tech buildings tower over me, shadows stretching out, engulfing the bare yard. The place was so big. The students stare at me, eyes burning holes in me. Feeling as though I am walking out of a courtroom after being accused murder. Footsteps echo as I walk, drumming down the long corridors. People surround me yet I have never felt more alone. Doors slam, the metallic scrape of lockers opening, voices chattering, running footsteps, laughter rings out, yet the sounds are all distant. Feeling detached, isolated. I think back to my old school, wishing I was leaping up the worn front steps, calling out to my friends as I grab my books for class. It reminds me, if it was bad now, it was about to get a hundred times worse.
Stumbling into the room; the class is alive with movement, excitement and energy. Suddenly everything stops as I reach for the chair to sit down. Silence can be so loud, the air was tense and hostile, I try to breathe but the air feels too thick, I am suffocating. If looks could kill, I was heading for the morgue. I reach for the closest seat; to regain my breath, and stop the emotions from running out of me. A bag is subtly dropped on it as place my shivering hand on the cold, hard plastic. With the words ‘taken’ screaming through my mind I shrivel back into my shell and wish I wasn’t here, anywhere else but here.

I slowly walk to the back of the room, its funny how you can loose all sense of time and distance, those few seconds, few short metres to the only other empty desk seem like I am walking kilometres. Every thought racing through my brain telling me to run away, to fall apart and cry.
The class slowly turn as I walk by, staring me down, examining every tense inch of my nervous body as though I’m on display, I feel like I’m a mutant, a freak, a caged animal on show at a carnival, here simply for their enjoyment.

The rest of the lesson passes as a blur, I try to concentrate but it seems to be made harder by the furious scribbling of pens around me. What could they possibly be writing?! I wouldn’t have a clue what the teacher was talking about and didn’t dare ask for help. Finally, after what seems like forever, the bell rings. Hastily I pack my books up with anticipation of getting away from this awful tension, even if only to step outside for 20 minutes. Its only recess, I still have so many long hours to come. I rush to grab my bag from my locker and shuffle slowly outside.
I gain some bravery and make my way towards a group of girls. There hair is knotty, unwashed and who knows what lives inside of it. Not the people that I would normally acquaint myself with but, not even the school rodents would turn me away.
I force the words out. My eyes weighed down, the tension not letting me face the beasts.
‘C..c..c ….can I sss sit with you” the words are out.
I want to run away. Block my ears. Not wanting to hear the answer.
I manage to take a quick glimpsed of them. But being completely shut down by their demeaning remarks. “Why would we, talk to you?”
The looks they give me make my world come crashing down. I feel like I’m two inches tall and they are about to step on me.
I yearn for an escape. Felling like the emotion is going to release, I turn and walk away. Feeling like a spring Bok being stalked by lions. I look for a place to hide. I place no one can get me.
My target seemed almost unreachable, a tall tree on the furthest fence line. Something about it looked solid and comforting; maybe it would give me a little strength. I picked my way through the yard, edging my way scarcely around the packed quadrangle, coming to rest gratefully under the tree. Sitting alone I can no longer feel the pressures of the people around me, no longer feel the burn of their stares, hear the hostility in their whispers. I was drenched in relief. It was just me. Me and my emotions.
I felt like I was on the outside, staring in. thick glass separating me. It’s like a cage, surrounding me, moving forward with every step I take, keeping the barrier strong and real.
As I sit here by myself, I watch the girls walk by, playing with their hair giggling and discussing the flavour of the month. Wondering to myself if my barrier will ever melt away, if I’ll ever be like them, match strides with them, gossip and giggle with them. Their world felt a thousand miles away. I watch the boys dance across the courts oblivious to everything but the ball, the opposition, the pause, the jump, the release, the basket. I wish more than anything I could leave here for a second, loose myself in a game, let it absorb my attention, consume me. Would they ever let me join their team? Would I ever sit on the sidelines waiting for a turn? Again, it seems impossible.
I shut my eyes and long for this to end, the time could not possibly pass any slower. I sit here, leaning against the strong bark of the tree, wishing for the past. Wishing for the warm air, the small class rooms, the dirty broken lockers.
I hear a gentle cough. I open my eyes reluctantly. Standing in front of me with her hand out was a sweet looking girl with warm almond eyes and honey coloured skin. Her long brown hair shone in the bright sunshine.
“Hi, I’m Melissa”.
I watched as the invisible barrier slowly melts before my eyes, as the cold rush of air left my skin saturating me with warmth. It doesn’t seem like much, but it was all I needed.
One day we learn the past is simply the foundations on which we build the future.