A BOX OF MEMORIES

4 YEARS AGO…

“Oh my god! Hurry up we’re going to be late” mum yelled.
My family and I were going to a party, just a little one. There I was asked to offer tea to the guest. I’m a very helpful person so I was happy to go around asking people if they wanted tea. Suddenly, I bumped into this boy; he looked a little older then me and was carrying a whole heap of cd’s.
“Oh sorry” he kindly said.
I was in a hurry as the kettle had boiled. Later on I went up to that same boy and asked if he wanted a cup of tea. He looked very upset.
I thought I’d be nice and ask if everything was okay.
“I’m Drew” he introduced himself.
“I’m sonica” I smiled and shook his hand gently.
“oh I’m fine, I’ve just broken up with my girlfriend.” He said.
I didn’t know what to say, I had never been through a seperation as I was already in a healthy relationship myself.
”I’m sorry, I’ll just go make your cup of tea, may be it will calm you down a bit” I replied and walked off.

After a few minutes I sat back down beside him. Drew started telling me about himself, his life style and all…and since we were getting on really well I told him a little about myself too and gave him my number. i told him that if he wanted to talk or felt comfortable he was welcome to talk to me at any time. We spoke about our families and I told him about my relationship with Sam, my hobbies which included writing poetry and dancing and also told him about my dreams. Then mum came and said
“We’re going home now”.
Drew said he’d give me a call later on but I wasn’t expecting it, I simply smiled and said “goodbye”.

I was in year 10 and was fourteen years old, about to turn fifteen soon. i couldn’t wait. I was happy with life and happy with my boyfriend Sam too. Drew was seventeen years old. He wasn’t at school; he had dropped out in year eleven because he missed a lot of classes as he had run away with his girlfriend to Sydney for sometime. I don’t know why they broke up, I didn’t really care. What was it got to do with me any way? Even though Drew had dropped out of school, he was smart. His favorite subjects at school were math’s and English. I hate maths.

Days passed by and every night I would look forward to 10pm. That was when Drew would call me…every single night. Drew told me everything, it seemed as though he did really feel comfortable to talk to me. He told me about his behavior towards his parents and how they hated the fact that he took drugs. Then one day came when his parents got fed up with his behavior and kicked Drew out of home. He was basically living on the streets for two weeks with no one to support him or make him feel loved but me! I didn’t see it coming but during that time Drew and I started getting closer to each other and I started drifting away from my boyfriend Sam. A few weeks later I ended my relationship with Sam, I didn’t want to hurt him by going out with him but developing feelings for someone else. My feelings got stronger for drew but I never let it show. My heart beated so fast, it was like it was asking me if I had made the right decision…


4 MONTHS LATER

My phone rang at exactly 10pm, it was Drew and he was so happy. He had found his own flat and started working too. Things were getting back on track for him. We spoke about random things and he told me how he felt about me.
His exact words still echo in my ear…

“Thank you Sonica for making me fall in love again. You’re the sweetest person I have ever met in my life. You went out of your way just to help me cheer up, you were the only one there for me when no one else was, not even my parents. You helped me lift my confidence back up and I just can’t thank you enough.”

I didn’t know what to say and there was an awkward silent moment. Then Drew said,

“Sonica I love you to the stars and back, I love you as much as the earth needs the sun and as much as we need the air to breathe. Will you be my girl? Will you go out with me?”

Drew and I started seeing each other. It felt like he was the one. It was my first taste of what I thought was true love, the real thing. We spent most of our time with each other secretly, going out, listening to music. It felt so good to see him and every time I held him in my arms it felt like heaven. I loved that feeling so much; it was not replaceable at all.
I spent so much time with him that I hardly ever had time for my friends. Drew was very close to me. He always held my hand or held me by my waist, he was fairly jealous of other guys talking to me or even looking at me. At first I was so flattered that he thought other guys would be interested in me.
A few months later he started saying things like “your asking for it dressed like that” and to keep the peace I would go and change.

After some time, we began to argue more than a lot and one night in a rage, he grabbed my hair, pulled me up from my chair and threw me across the room like I was some sort of ball. I hit my head on the edge of the coffee table and ended up on the floor in shock.
I heard drew say “oh my god” really loud, then he came and sat at my feet sobbing. I wanted to help him handle him emotions and besides we loved each other, I couldn’t just give up on him. I had faith that our love would last through any amount of jealousy, insulting, pushing or anger. After all, all couples have their up’s and down’s, I guess drew and I were just having our down at that time though I thought that it was the drugs making him so angry.



ONE YEAR LATER


I was about to have my lunch when all of a sudden I got this sharp pain just under my stomach and a really bad headache. I don’t know what happened…
When I opened my eyes I found drew sitting next to me, holding a white bag. I asked him quietly “what’s in the bag?” “A pregnancy test” he replied. “WHAT? WHY? FOR WHO?” I said in shock. “ I just saw your calendar and I think you have missed your monthly period or something so I just wanted to be sure” he replied in the nicest voice.
I took the pregnancy test and to my surprise it was positive. I got so scared; I didn’t know what to do now, what to say and who to run to. I was only 16 years old and wasn’t planning to have a baby any time soon. “This cant be right” I said as I gave drew to look at the test. The whole day I got assaulted by drew. He was yelling at me like I had committed the biggest crime of my life. “This is your entire fault Sonica, you led me on” he growled. I felt so lonely. I had so many thoughts in my head and didn’t know who to tell, so I wrote a poem just to calm myself down…

That special feeling..
That loving thought
Those sleepless nights
And that morning walk..

That dizzy feeling..
That small soft touch..
That pain not healing..
Am I asking for too much?

That morning sickness
Those small cravings
that child can see....
calling out to me.

Looking out at the world through my eyes
Feeling my pain through my skin
Helping me put my heart back together
Telling me to hope within..

That strange feeling inside me,
That baby growing day by day
such a wonderful gift to me
yet I’m too young to be this way.

I had some spare time and decided to wirte a little diary entry just about myself and my regrets…




Dear dairy, 12th January 2007

I can’t believe myself. I feel so stupid and so ignorant.
Ever heard the saying:
“Be grateful for what you have today, because it may not be there tomorrow”?
I was so damn happy with my healthy relationship with Sam. He never made me cry; never laid a hand on me and most of all never made me feel guilty. I can’t believe myself that I would ever do something that stupid to let him go like that. I hurt him so much when he treated me like an angel. Oh why? Why did I do such a thing? Stupidity had just hit me didn’t it…
Every morning Sam would write me little notes and sneak it in my pocket while I was staring out the window in the school bus. I never used to realize until he hugged me and put his hands in my pocket. All of a sudden he would say,
“Hey babe, what’s this?” I would be like,
“Oh I don’t know, let’s read it”
And to my surprise it would be one of his sweet heart touching notes.
Why did I throw all that away? For this pain? Is this really what love is?
I was there for drew every step of the way when he was thrown out of home. I was the one who helped him gain his confidence and gave him some hope. Now what do I get? I didn’t want anything big in return but at least the same respect as I gave to him would have been enough…
What do I have in Australia? Nothing at all. I have to put up with the comments I get for not being an Australian citizen, I have to tolerate Drew taking drugs and his mood swings because of it, I have to put up with the annoying family of 10 at home and plus the stress and amount of homework in year 12. What happen to me? I used to be so smart, I knew I would always struggle but I always achieved my best and was proud of myself but now…
I don’t know what has come over me. Mum and dad always told me not to get too close to Drew but I didn’t listen and now I feel as though I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I have betrayed my parents and hurt Sam now I’m just left with hurting myself...
I'm in regret and don't know what to do anymore...

xoxoxo
Sonica

I didn’t notice that Drew was standing behind me and reading every word I wrote until, he snatched the pen out of my hand, pulled my arm and twisted it behind my back. He said “HOW DARE YOU. HOW DARE YOU WRITE THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO HAVE MY CHILD.YOU HATE US BOTH DON’T YOU?” Tears ran down my eyes when he said that to me. I thought he would understand my pain too. Time went by and from all the stress and bruises Drew gave me; I ended up having a miscarriage, I lost our child. It was the most painful time and its something that I’m scared for the rest of my life. I thought Drew would realizes it was his fault but he didn’t. Not once did he help me through the pregnancy, not once did he comfort me or be reasonable with me. I started realizing that Drew controls me, he always wants to know where I am and what I’m doing or who I’m talking to. He put me down so much that I ended up feeling like I couldn’t even stand up for myself. Drew always thinks that men are superior to women and they are just objects and I wanted to confront him and tell him how I felt. I wanted to tell him that he was being violent and controlling and when I did I woke up to find myself in hospital with a fractured jawbone, more bruises and a broken heart.

Finally some sense came to me and I realized that this wasn’t REAL love. Not this pain. Love was supposed to feel good wasn’t it? I stopped seeing him. It was so hard to forget someone who I really trusted and loved with all my heart. Drew phoned me every night and day but I knew I had to be strong and keep him away any way possible. After police getting involved, Drew eventually stopped calling me and harassing me. Now I feel much stronger then before knowing that what I did was right. I have the strength to believe in myself. Love is not war and I know now that healthy relationships without the violence is the REAL thing. TRUE LOVE. This is my “box of memories” that has left me with a scar for my entire life. NOW I know what to look for and avoid next time…

by sonam s sharma

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