Harmless But Inflicting

• Jessica Leonard, Grade 8
• Short Story
• 2011

Eyes that stare, directly at me harmless but inflicting.
Eyes that stare, purposely away, harmless but inflicting.
It’s not only the eyes that show the reactions of uncomfortable feelings and awkwardness that seem to shadow me wherever I go. Peoples awkward stance and split decisions to walk the other way reinforces that ever present feeling that I am some weirdo, a cannibalistic monster crippling society, I’m looked down upon, some mutant, a circus act, a freak.
There quick glances in the other direction and discomforted stares are not out of hatred or disgust, hey they’re strangers after all, there reactions and attitudes are innocent, possibly unconsciously done. There harmless but inflicting.
Above all, over every disregarded gaze, sad eyed, stare stopping look is the worst of all, people who are nice, a little too nice, a non coincidental thing, it feels cold hearted and hollow, a fake laugh and a trivial smile, one that shines happily but spells out pity plain as day. It’s a beautiful thing to be considered, it’s out of kindness that people put on these fake personas of smiles and caring but its emptiness carries. I feel pathetic and worthless under its void, the act of trying to be nice makes me feel useless, invaluable, hopeless, a nothing an even bigger freak, a freak that adorns pity and sympathy. I feel I’m alone on this, nobody to understand the way I see it, nobody truly knows how it feels, to be a great big failure a big nothing.
There harmless but inflicting
And oh how it inflicts in the most peculiar way.
I feel strange enough as it is, it’s still a big change for me too, being restricted, unable to do things, so I understand those awkward glares, its normal for the abnormal to receive these kind of reactions and treatment, not that I should be complaining, at least nobody’s throwing things at me. Its not that people are hostile, their reactions...
There harmless, but they’re inflicting.
Inflicting emotions that boil to the surface those same old emotions a feeling of being lost within myself. I say I will one day re live old passions and rejoin life, after these dark feelings disappear but I’m not so sure if they ever will. But for now I am consumed with in myself, obsessed in noticing those not so easy to ignore reactions of all those who see me.
I snap back to myself. I thank the overly nice shop attendant, push the gray grip tires of my wheelchair forward and observe more awkward looks and sympathy smiles. Since the car accident that took away my only family, the movement of my legs and just about everything I once held dear, trying to go on and ignore those reactions is hard, trying to go on and live is hard and that’s why even if good intended their reactions are...
Harmless but imposing, so pressuring, so forceful and powerfiul, regretfully reminding so impacting
Harmless but oh so inflicting...