Victimized

Victimized is grey. It smells like fresh and old blood mixed together. It tastes like fire that burns your mouth and throat. It sounds like yelling and hitting, making you cower into the nearest corner and hide in the shadows. It feels like fear, all-consuming and dark. It looks like scars that are fresh. Victimized is losing people that are close to you but they turn on you, making you wish you ended your life when you had the chance. When I choose to feel, all I feel is pain and guilt

The guilt eats me alive, the pain seethes through me
It feels like a sword has stabbed me, from point to hilt
When it gets too much, I choose to be numb
Everything disappears, everything leaves
It scares me, how each time I choose it,
It becomes easier not to feel
I never wanted to cause any pain, any suffering
I hate myself even more for what I have done

At night, the numbness disappears
The pain and guilt come out to play
To remind me that I have caused tears to fall,
Trust to be broken and lives to be ruined
But most of all, made two close people to never ever forgive me
To make it stop, I scratch myself but the marks never stay
It makes the guilt go away, but not the internal pain

Everyday, I have to face my mistakes
An apology may of been said, but it doesn't erase the past
Nothing can make it stop, it has grew too much
My nails are sharp, making it easier it punish myself
I must punish myself, because I am not the perfect person to live

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