I Am Lost

• Kirby Macdonald, Grade 10
• Short Story
• 2013

When my eyes flutter open, I am lost.
The sun that I’ve always known shines through my window, straight through me, it’s rays harsh and icy. Colours dance on the walls but I cast no shadow in this world. In the distance a bird shrieks mournfully, the cry echoing through the still, stale air.
I’m back on earth, aren’t I?
Already I want to leave. A hard, porcelain-white mask sets over my features once again; those who look will only see a reflection of themselves, like the eyes of an animal. These arms cannot hold, these eyes do not see light – the flame has died and all that remains is smoke. It is only behind this mask that I can begin searching for you again, grasp my dreams before they slip through my fingers.
When the mask is fixed, you find me.
You’re lips were pale, open slightly. I could feel your shallow breath, whispers of warmth on my icy flesh, pelting against me in weak waves. But the fiery, scorching heat came from your trembling hand, gripped in mine. Why is this the only way I can remember you?
I’d given my whole body to you: I heard only your soft words, smelt your scent, felt every slow movement, tasted the fear that turned the air between us to static, and saw only your wide, endless eyes. The most breath-taking I had ever seen, staring into mine with desperation.
The pauses between each heartbeat were getting longer, heavier, each beat sending an echoing pulse through me. Your breathing was slowing and I gripped you tighter, held you to me; time was running out. What do I do? You were slipping away from me faster, stop, please!
Seconds slipped by and pieces of you went with them.
I wouldn’t let go, never.
I hung on, prayed, pleaded, but the flame had flickered and perished faster than I could comprehend. I couldn’t feel you anymore, and I haven’t felt anything since.
The mask shatters and light blinds me, voices echo around me in an unknown tongue, and I am lost in reality once again. This was our journey, a clear path I walked with your hand in mine. But I cannot walk past you now; I am bound to this barren land walking in circles because of you. You have taken my identity- the all consuming desire for you has drained my will, I cannot live like this.
My gaze settles on the shattered mask at my feet, the sunlight reflecting off my skin. I feel the warmth, see the light, and at that I walk away, leaving my only portal to you behind.
I cannot stay with you, or I will be forever lost.