Hansel, Gretel And The Two And A Half Little Pigs

As time comes upon us once I think it's fair to say once upon a time.
So then, once upon a time there was a rich young man who worked as an actor. He barely had enough money to keep his wife happy.
One day, this man came home with terrible news.
"Honey" he said in a nervous voice, "I am sorry to inform you but my salary has been cut from forty million US dollars per movie to 39.1 million US dollars per movie."
"What!" The wife shouted."only 39.1 million! That is approximately 108 million US dollars per year! How shall we survive!"
For the wife needed at least two Ferraris, three Lamborghini, a five storey house, an annual five month holiday around the world and an all-you-can-eat-buffet that had different food every meal.
"This is a catastrophe, how shall I be capable of purchasing those David Jones dresses that I require quite urgently! All my friends shall view us as poor and insignificant!"
That's when their plump children waddled past. This gave the man an idea.
"Sweetheart?" The man started in a small voice.
"What is it?" The wife snapped.
"What if we retailed the children?" He prompted carefully.
"That is a splendid idea!" The wife exclaimed, "we wouldn't have to feed them and we might get a few hundred thousand dollars."
So the man activated an eBay account and put them up as "two plump little children (male and female) perfect for baking at $200 000. RRP (recommended ransom price) $250 000." He didn't like doing this but his wife was more important to him. Unfortunately for the parents, Hansel and Gretel were on their computer that night.
“Oh look!"Hansel said "father has had an eBay account activated for his use. Let us have a look at what he is retailing."
When they looked at it they were shocked.
"Brother, what did we do to deserve this?" Gretel sobbed.
"I made sure they did not catch me taking caviar from the caviar jar in the Kitchen." Hansel said thoughtfully as he went through the things he'd done wrong.
"Do not worry Gretel, I will come up with a plan." Hansel said.
So that night, when everyone was asleep. Hansel crept through the house, through the throne room, past the bedroom and into the basement. He lifted one of the glossy tiles and pulled out $1 million dollars that he had hidden there a few weeks before.
That morning, the father checked his eBay account and was half happy and half sad to see the bids had gone up and the kids were sold for $230 000. The buyer requested the children to be left in the nearby forest the next night.
"Hansel, Gretel" the man called, "I have a surprise for you!"
"What is it father, are we going to the moon again?"Gretel grumbled.
"No, remember your mother did not like the view." the father replied, "we are going for a pleasant walk in the forest."
"How exciting!" The children said, "we have never been in the wilderness before!"
"You have no need to bring anything children so come along now." The father said.
So Hansel and Gretel went into the forest with there father. Hansel though had sneaked the million dollar check into his pocket on the way out. They soon got to a clearing where the father saw a $230 000 check.
"Children, stay here as I am positive I heard a bear nearby" the man said "I shall go and check it out." he said.
As he walked away he scooped up the money and when he was out of sight he started running back to where they parked. He did feel sorry for the children but it had to be done.

Hansel and Gretel waited for hours right until the sun went down. The two children were very scared.
"Do not worry sister,"Hansel said, "I have a plan. When the buyer arrives I shall bribe him with the $1 million dollars I posses."
A few more minutes went by before the buyer arrived. It was in fact a witch. She flew down on and cackled as she saw the two children standing alone in the forest.
"Well, well, well" the witch said, "what do we have here."
She landed her hover board near them.
"You will do well in my wedding cake."
"Please miss,"hansel said in a shaky voice, " if you let us go we shall give you 1 million US dollars."
"$1 million", the witch said thoughtfully, "I could buy a whole gingerbread house with that, and that may bring me many more children, so right it's a deal!"
The witch dropped them off at the front door and Hansel paid her the $1 million dollars. Gretel knocked on the door and the father answered it.
"Children I am so glad you're safe! I am so sorry but it turned out that the "bear" turned out to be ah...ah....ice-cream van! There was a long line so I took quite a while and when I saw you with that peculiar person I rushed back home to call for help." The father said.
"That's okay father, we know you didn't mean us any harm." the kids said in there most real voice they could do.
The father was secretly happy that they made it back and he had received a phone call that his pay would be moved back to the original amount. Then they lived happily ev-
But wait! that is not all!the father had heard a noise but it was definitely no ice-cream van....

A few weeks later the father got a letter in the mail box that read:

*On either side of the houses lie
long woods that touch the sky
That clothe the pigs till they die
From the wolves on the pry
And then there came a plot
The yellow serum looked so chilly
As injected into Millie
Then all dangers seemed so silly
And it hurt a lot

Millie's new form would make people quiver
The big bad wolf would start to shiver
as the pigotaur would chase him down the river
By the pigs who eat cow liver
The wolf was tied in knots.
Now we need a human child
For experimenting more than mild
And the resulted will be filed
For your kids we'll pay a lot

Underneath the bearded barley
Leave them there with old poor Charlie
Otherwise we'll get quite snarly
So leave them there or rot

The father was terrified! He told the wife about the letter and they agreed to do as it said. The children heard this and hansel decided to do the same thing he did last time. But unfortunately, that night the state of origin was on and Hansel completely forgot everything but the score.

So the next day the father said, "Children, we are going to the fields to pick some barley."
Hansel and Gretel didn't have a plan this time and were afraid but still went along.
"Coming father!" They said.
The father new what poor old Charlie was and when he arrived at the big rock that was known as old poor Charlie (it looked slightly like an old man begging) he saw a black suitcase.
"Children," the man said "I think I saw a man leave that suitcase there, I will go and return it to him and you stay here."
"Yes father." Gretel said.
As the man took the black suitcase and left he felt a twang of guilt.
"We all shall die if I don't give the children to the pigs" he thought.
No sooner had the dad left, a pig emerged from a passage and called.
"Little kids, little kids, come on in! Or I'll rip the hairs from your chinny-chin-chin."
"Yes.......er thing." the children said in a frightened voice.
The pig led them down a secret passage where there was all these fancy gadgets and serums.
"Welcome to Area 5.1" A pig said
"Don't you mean Area 51?" Hansel said confused.
"why do people always think that! There is the forest, 2 villages, a farm land, grassland and they count this place as a tenth of an area hence Area 5.1." the pig replied.
They led the children down some corridors and into a big metal room.
"hello children," a voice said from a big chair. "I've been expecting you." The figure turned his big comfy recliner chair around. It was a pig cross human wearing sunglasses.
"You've probably been wondering why we brought you here. Right?"
The children nodded nervously.
You see, we had this problem with these......wolves. They were always watching us. Legend has it that there was only one and he blew snuffle and jacks houses down and we were all huddled in the house made of bricks-mine-and boiled the wolf when he came down the chimney. But here is the truth. The pigs all had secret passages to Area 5.1 from there houses and when a wolf found out he told his pack. They found the entry and boy, they got in alright and what a battle! The Big bad wolf was the leader and he himself gave me this." the pigotaur lifted her glasses to reveal one white eye with a huge gash across it. "It was obvious we could not win so I injected myself with one of the serums we had almost finished and it turned me into this! My, how they cowered before me. Now where does this bring you? Well you see, we only had that one serum and i needed some human biomass to create it. We saw you on eBay and when that witch came we watched you and examined you. So hansel will be used for experimenting and then Gretel, the final product. Gretel, you will be blended with snuffler. Then pigs will rule over mankind and pigs will eat human! Not vies versa."
"Please do not, we're only kids!" Hansel saidwith wide eyes full of fear.
"But that's the thing," the pigotaur replied, "Children are the most bendable."

That night, Hansel was put into a testing chamber and Gretel was to prepare the experiments. Gretel was sobbing loudly in her cell when suddenly a light shone brightly and a fairy Godmother appeared.
"Hello Gretel, I am your fairy godmother, why are you crying?"she said and a kind voice.
"My brother and I are going to be used for experimenting!" She sobbed.
"Don't worry I will give you one wish, anything but destroying area 5.1 while getting you two out safely." The godmother said.
"Why not?" Gretel asked. "That would be wonderful!"
"Well, that would not be exciting at all." The fairy godmother replied.
"But these are 2 innocent lives at risks!" Gretel half shouted
"No,no and no!" the fairy said firmly.
"Well, if you free us we will give you $2 million." Gretel said.
"Hmmmmm, that is a tempting offer,well those David Jones pixie dresses did look nice. So fine! But it will be boring."
So the fairy godmother brought them out safely and made area 5.1 explode. They paid her the money and when they got home they found out that their mum had left with a $5 billion divorce.
As Hansel, Gretel and their father lived after that happily, I think it is fair to say they lived happily ever after.


*this was appropriated from "the lady of shallot".

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