My Guide To Surviving A Family Summer Holiday

Excellence Award in the 'The Write Track 2015' competition

My name is Isobel Perkins, and here is my edition of surviving a summer holiday.

To start off, if you have a choice, don’t go, especially if Aunt Matilda is coming, with her wet, sloppy kisses that seem to never end.
“Oh hello Isobel!” Aunt Matilda yelled, and ran toward me, “Come here darling!” Aunt Matilda smelt of too much perfume and lipstick, she started to kiss me all over, making wet, sloppy noises as her giant red lips squelched against my cheek, leaving red lip marks on there, “We’re going to have so much fun these holidays!”

To survive the kissing, make sure that you don’t have a bath for a few weeks before hand.
“Oh hello Isobel!” Aunt Matilda yelled, and ran toward me, “Come here darling!” Aunt Matilda smelt of too much perfume and… “Ehh! What IS that smell?” Aunt Matilda screeched, “Pooooooooiiieeee”

It’s even worse with Gran,
“Oh, Isobel, get me a coffee, do!” Gran said, her elderly lips quavering, “Come on dear, my throat is getting thirsty!” I got up to get Gran a coffee, then she sat with it and said, “Now, when I was a child I used to have to get tea and bickies for everyone, then feed my sister with a spoon…”

Give her a glass of soy sauce instead of coffee when she asks for one,
“Oh Isobel, get me a coffee, do!” Gran said, her elderly lips quavering, “Come on dear…”
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Eh! Get it off! Water!” Gran screamed and started to run around the room, “GET ME WATER!!!”

Soon enough though, your mother will get there, and trouble will start.
“Isobel! What did you do?” Mum screamed at me, “What on earth happened? Oh, go to bed, NOW! I’ll print off some math for you to do tomorrow. Leave the room!” I walked, dragging my pink converses on the faded wooden floor toward my bedroom in the holiday house, which I shared with Mum and my sister Ruby, and my cousin Emily, and my Aunt Matilda, and Nan. There were the three beds for Ruby, Aunt Matilda and Nan, (because Ruby is “Thirteen and too old for kids bunk beds!”) and I shared the bunk bed with Emily. I lay down on my bed.

Use a helpful cousin in this situation,
“Isobel! What did you do?” Mum screamed at me, “What on earth happened? Oh, go to bed…
“Psssst! Iz!” Emily said through the bedroom doorway, “Brought what you wanted!” Emily came in and put a bag carefully on my bed. I had asked her to make ‘stink bombs’ which consisted of one of my socks, a rotten egg, a pair of nan’s undies and off milk, chucked in a balloon. We carefully place them under Ruby’s pillow, then snuck out…

That is how to survive a family summer holiday, and DO NOT try this on dad, it doesn’t work, believe me, I tried it. The effects are terrible,
"ISOBEL!!!"...

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