Habits...

Here I lie awake, longing for sleep, longing for death there is nothing here in this boring world for me so why put up with the emptiness and sadness of this plain, sober world if I can change it? I grow weary of this world of misery and pain, if you were locked in a room full of suffering and anguish and had a simple escape route, would you not seize the opportunity? Grasp it by the scruff of its neck and wash it down with a shot of Hennessey? No matter, Death awaits me one day, sooner rather than later, but until then I crush the pain with pills, damaging my body for the better, the only day I look forward to be the day I leave this miserable place for good. Each night I’m ready to consume the capsules of enlightenment, I lie here, and ready to board the eight-wheeled, pill shaped bus to another dimension, straight from the pharmaceutical depot; I’ve already arranged the journey.

Whether it’s the pipe, the pill, the syringe or the card, I’ll find some way to remove myself temporarily for the night from this miserable world of war and conflict, with any luck I’ll overdose and drift off into as sleep in which I will not awake, how I wish I could bring myself to do that to myself, goddamn morals, I hate them but cannot escape their restricting grip, but once I’ve hit, popped it or pumped it, the grip eases for a while, enabling me to frolic in this imaginary, drug-induced world of dreams and hopes. I’ve come down now, my heart is beating, it all seems real now, I can feel my heart in my stomach, I’ve overdosed, but I don’t want to die, I thought I did but this is too scary. I can’t move I’m restricted to slurred talk and small movements;

I attempt to crawl to the phone. HELP! HELP! I cry, no one is listening, only the voices, they want my soul, ambulance please, drug overdose, come quickly. Silence immerses me; it’s dark in here, black in fact. Where am I? This is not my home, I can’t see anything but I know I’m not at home; what’s that I hear? “Get him some more oxygen”. My head is pushed back and mask covers my mouth, I feel air, sweet pure air, she’s so soft, like the touch of a good woman, sinking down into my chest, all of a sudden she touches something she shouldn’t, she sets it off, it’s coming up. I spring up and over the side of the bed, grabbing the bucket on the floor, my stomach empties into the bucket for half a minute of heaving, I fall back on the bed. “He’s breathing properly again, good job everyone”.

I awake to the sound of my television, Bugs bunny hey? What was that trip all about? My dog runs into the room and embraces my leg with his body. My entire mindset has changed; I’ve got a completely new state of mind. I do have something to live for, me, time to look after number one, and even when no one loves me I still have my loyal dog. What’s that a noise from my pocket? My phone, it’s my brother. “Wanna have a Sesh tonight bro?” Hahahaha, Oh well I guess old habits die hard…

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