I Had A Brother

I had a brother

I don’t have an earliest memory of you
Because you were always just there
We all have our favourite memories though
We talk about you over dinner sometimes
It usually ends with mum crying
But for a while it’s worth it
The memories come to life with the animation in our voices
As we excitedly tell every detail
Like when we were kids
Only then every time we told stories, they would get bigger
After a while of retelling, the stories get smaller
And the realisation sets back in

I close my eyes and vision you sometimes

You wear your green T-shirt that’s always too small for you
Yet makes your eyes shine a brilliant green
You have navy tracksuit and your hiking boots.
You’re tall, 6ft 2 and a half to be exact
Your brown hair is shorter then it was when I last saw
But that’s the way I like it
I see you in your bedroom
I see you in the car rides
I see you at the school we shared
I see you in our little sister

You smile like I’m the only person you see
Like I’m the only one that matters

Before you left, that’s how I felt
That out of all the people
You could trust me
I forgot that I should have been worrying about it being the other way round
Looking back today I still think
There is so much that I didn’t trust you with
And if I had known what was to happen,
Would that trust have been so dismal on my part

Sometimes when it gets really hard
I imagine you making a grand entrance to school
In front of everyone like the soldiers returning from war
I would run to you and the crowd will cry but we wouldn’t notice
We are oblivious to the fact everyone is watching us
That’s the way it’s supposed to be
I do get watched, only now I am alone
I face all the judgment, sympathy, criticism, alone
It shouldn’t be that way
You should be there for me
As I should have been there for you

I know you don’t think about us anymore
But we still think about you,
I think the fact I’m entering you into a writing competition makes that clear enough
But I don’t write to win
I write to be heard

I hate you.

I love you.

I had a brother.