The Cheat

• Owen Tan, Grade 3, Mt Crosby State School
• Short Story
• 2016

3rd in the 'Word Zone 2016' competition

Damn it, I came last again; I’m never going to come first in a race.
Hi, my name is John Bloomsfield and I’m eight years old. I’ll tell you my story. I’ve been trying to run as fast as I can to win the district running race because my brother Sam Bloomsfield has gone into regionals and I haven’t even come second last. He takes great pleasure rubbing it in my face. I feel ashamed of myself, I know I shouldn’t, but I do. It makes me feel tired and annoyed and I’m over it.
So, I’ve decided to do some sneaky cheating. OK, you might be surprised but it’s all for the greater good. ME.
The races are at my state school. Each year everyone from the school lines up in a big group and the sports teacher shouts, “On your marks, get set, GO!” Normally, in the seconds before my knees are shaking like branches in the wind and I’m about to wee my pants. But this year it’s going to be different. I’m going to hear my relatives shouting for me and I’m going to smell victory.
Year One:
At breakfast, I had five cans of baked beans so I’d fart and go faster. When the race came, I farted loads, didn’t come first but smelt as bad as the dump. Maybe I didn’t make it this time but I’ll get there next year.
Year Two:
Instead of putting water in my water bottle, I put beetroot juice. Mum noticed and I lied to her saying I was going on a healthy diet. When the race came, it turned out that beetroot juice lowers blood pressure and I fainted half way through the race like sleeping beauty. Even worse, I had an embarrassing rash on my bum.
Year Three:
OK, third time lucky. I drunk Red Bull because the ad says, “it gives you wings”. Just as the sports teacher shouted, “GO!” I jumped into the air and I thought I would glide and soar like a jet plane. But I just fell flat on my face into the wet sticky mud and people called me Swamp Man.
Year Four:
Right I’m getting a little frustrated but I can smell, even from far away, victory. I decided to take advice from a tortoise (slow and steady wins the race). I just came last, not surprisingly. (Note, never take advice from a tortoise).
Year Five:
I got six jumbo coke bottles. Strapped three to each foot. A Mentos in each one and quickly replaced the lid. When it was time to race, I hastily pulled off the lids and I erupted off the ground. I was sooo excited and pumped with adrenaline, but then the fuel ran out. Even worse, it ran down my leg and into my shoes, squelch squelch! So close and yet so far away.
I should probably try something different. Maybe running isn’t my area of expertise. Definitely not.
Year One:
Swimming...