Confusion

• Zoe Laxamana, Grade 5, St Catherine of Siena Primary School -
• Short Story
• 2018

Excellence Award in the 'Write Along 2018' competition

Have you ever had that feeling? When you feel so many emotions rush through you? So many thoughts rushing through your head? When you feel happy, depressed, ecstatic, angry, disappointed, confused? When something just goes so well, but so wrong at the same time? When you have everything, so much is happening, but you don’t understand any of it? How do you get rid of it? How do you escape, all the pain and confusion that is your own mind? That’s all I wanted to know.

It drives you crazy. Making you do the most random things, at the most random times. Making you question so many things. That you don’t even understand... why. You can barely find the source of the problem because it doesn’t feel like a problem. When such a good thing comes into your life, you don’t see what happens when it’s there. You hate it. You don’t hate, the source of the problem. You hate, what the problem is. You hate, everyone, and everything, that’s making it a problem. And all the confusion. The worst thing, about all of it, is the confusion. It hurts you, like crazy.

I had a life, that was a mess before my problem came. I had a life that although, wasn’t the best, I could handle. A family, that causes so much pressure on you. Something that you love, and chose to take further, that changed into something, that now you never want to do. A sister, who is amazing, and has succeeded in so much, that you just have to live up to. That you know, although your family will always be proud of you, if you’re not great, it’s not enough. If you’re not the best, it doesn’t matter. That was my life.

I already had a hard life. And then I met the most amazing person. He brought incredibly amazing things into my life. But he also caused me so
much pain. I loved everything about him. He made me happy. But he did other things too. I had always been a good girl. The first time I had ever gotten in trouble, I never wanted to again. But then he came, strolling into my life and turning it upside down like it was nothing. I became the silly person I was when I was around him. I was always like that. Always a crazy, goofy person but only with my friends. The difference between them? He made me think.

I thought so much when I was without him. During the time when I was alone, I could finally organise my thoughts. Finally to sort some of them out. It’s like in the famous Harry Potter Dumbledore’s Pensieve. He let out his thoughts, to make room for new ones. To clear his mind and come back to them. But no matter how many thoughts I let go, twice as many come in.

I will never be free. I will never escape the confusion.