I Am The Kitty Overlord

• Jessica Berney, Grade 10
• Short Story
• 2019

Oh, woe is me! These two-legs gave me my food half an hour ago and I am starving to death! I can’t even feel my fat rolls! Do they expect me to hunt for food like an ANIMAL!? I am so much better than a lowly savage stray, I am a civilised creature of this feline society. I make my two-legs do everything for me, they make my toys move for me and they give me all the food I want out of that small round box that re-fills in an instant. They open my door and, get this, if they disobey me, I claw their soft thing called a lounge. Two-legs are so lazy, they need to worship me as their ruler but no, they run away, every day and do not return until the afternoon when I am practically dead from malnourishment and insane from boredom. I demand chin scratchies and that little round box. Yes, make the oohice, goochie goo noises too, yes, yes, I am a good kitty, a very good kitty. Worship me, shower me with praise! Stop you imbecile that was three millimetres too far to the right! Bad two-leg! I demand more food! Let me see outside! Idiot, why did you open the door and wait for me to move? I wish to just sit and watch from the safety of my fortress. Who knows what feral scum could be outside in the wilderness? But wait, is that, yes, it is! The tabby from over the road, oh look at the way she carries herself all poised and elegant. A true lady, with a straight tail and shining fur. Oh, what a sight for the eyes! You know two-leg, outside doesn’t seem so bad after- nope, she’s gone. TWO-LEG! I WISH TO COME BACK INSIDE MY FORTRESS! Why do you stand there? Carry me you fool, why should I have to use my legs when I can use yours? Now, pat my head until I fall asleep… What? What time is it, the weird thing on the wall has two sticks pointing at things, but it is still dark and I am starting to feel full, like I need to pee… It is also slightly and cold, and I want food. TWO-LEGS! Lazy slobs, they must be stuck in their comfy cloud again. I will see. Well, they appear to be stuck on their cloud but the one with short fur is purring so I must sleep on it too. I remember how warm it was… This spot right here seems warm and nice, kind of fleshy, but the two-leg won’t mind if I claw his shoulder, after all he is purring, and I am sitting on his chest like a great conqueror! I have vanquished this two-legged fiend and I will dig my claws in to make sure he is dead. Take that two-leg! Ah, your chest is so comfortable… DO NOT REMOVE ME FROM YOUR PRESENCE, I’M YOUR OVERLORD! FEED ME!