Taking Me Down

The war against myself whirls around me, pushing away any confidence I can fathom. Knocking down dreams and replacing them with immense fear and worries. I look out over the gloomy, deep and dull ocean, watching wave after wave come charging towards the shore, where I stand. I clutch my surfboard closer to my bony hip, causing it to cramp up with pain.
“Indi! Go Indi! Now! Now!” as my frustrated coach tries to coax me into the watery nightmare. I do not budge. Part of me wants to paddle out and overcome my mountain of hideous fear, give relief to myself from carrying this over sized boulder of worries around.
My insides scream for help while the pressure builds up. “C’mon! Indi, you will never be at state level if you don’t go out”. Pressure from my coach, family and friends drowns me, due to the fact that I don’t know what to do. My knee lifts and takes a step forward. I feel the icy, intense water.
One. Two. Three. With doubts, I glide effortlessly across the mighty mess of the ocean, my board skimming over the blue, causing water to spray up into the endless, cloudy sky. During my paddle out, from the corner of my eye I spot a thick wall of terror building up.
Then, the “What ifs” come flooding in. What if I get dumped? What if a shark comes and eats me as an enjoyable snack? What if a tsunami hits me like a brick wall? What if I concuss myself with my fiberglass surfboard? What if I drown in misery and my own fear?
Muffled yelps and my scream for help fill my space, while the thundering wall of water comes pounding down on me. I kick and battle my way out of the mess of foamy water, whilst I struggle to find the way up for air. Finally, the ocean brings me up for a much-needed breath. My pearly, white surfboard finds me and I catch the white-wash of the wave into the shore. On the point of me laying foot on safe land, I burst into adrenaline tears. As much as I try to fight this treacherous battle, the despair engulfs me; strong and tough. It always wins. Fainthearted-ness just taking me on.
Maybe someday I can do it. Someday. Someday.

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