I Will Be Okay
Zac Blaivas, Grade 10, Mater Maria College -
I’ve never really had a proper perspective on life, it’s constantly fluctuating. I always thought that life was exciting and full of mysteries. Like in all the books and T.V shows. But it’s not, not like that at all. It wasn’t exciting, but it did have mysteries, for all the wrong reasons.
The biggest mysteries never had answers, I was stuck, thinking about them but I never got anywhere. Constantly thinking, not being able to forget about them. It was a virus clinging to my brain that I could never get rid of. But, you know, I was doing “okay.” That kind of became my motto. I hated sharing feelings, I never did and I never will. No one would ever understand, and I can’t be bothered to explain it, because they just won’t get it. Nobody gets it. Whenever I say something they get scared, or don’t know what to do. That’s one of my mysteries, why do only I understand? You can tell when these things happen because people distance themselves, or get too scared to ask how you are and ignore what you ever told them. When the truth comes out of me people say how they realised but didn’t want to say anything. To me, it just shows how little they care.
Now they know and still don't care. If you cared, I’m currently in one of my “episodes.” You wouldn’t understand, but I’ve lost my sense of time. For the last week or two I’ve been like this. I struggle to know the day and I always think I’m a day ahead. I also forget everything, I woke up the other day and didn’t even remember the morning of the day before. It took me half an hour to remember. I also struggle to be myself. It’s like I’m still in my body, but I’m no longer there. My brain only works to worry, stress and feel the pointless emotions that no one has to deal with on such a large scale like me. I feel empty. Not depressed, or sad. But like I’m just empty, and there’s nothing to it. You wouldn’t understand. Don’t worry it’s fine, I’m “okay.” I can’t do anything about it and neither can anyone I tell, so I try to put on my happy face and just be “okay.” Unless I don’t feel like functioning, I’ll sit there blankly. I think that’s what I’m doing now, but I’m not sure.
All of a sudden I feel a nudge stabbing in my arm, it’s probably just an illusion so I leave it. But it comes back. My vision slowly comes back and I can see “my friend” poking me.
‘Hey, the bell rang, are you okay?’
‘Yes I’m okay.’ I stand up and go straight out the door. I told you. No one understands. It’s only been one period and I’m crashing. I’d ask for help, but I already have. This. This can’t be helped. “Only” another 5 more hours of this and I don’t even know why I’m here.