Every Demon Has His Day

• Simon Campbell, Grade 12, Tawa College
• Short Story
• 2001

Finalist in the 'Zapped! 2001' competition

“Honestly, talk about demeaning. Scaring little kids is a job for ghosts and those little monsters that live in the sewers. Demons like us should be above this sort of thing.” Complained Riccarton. He and his mate Crispy had been assigned to scare a little boy named Billy. Riccarton looked like a two-meter tall skeleton, while Crispy was a more traditional-looking squat red demon.
“Well we would be “above all this” if you didn’t keep screwing up all our proper demon assignments, Riccarton!” replied Crispy angrily. “Besides, a shock like this early in the kid’s development will mess with his head. Probably drive him to a life of violent crime.
Wouldn’t you call that demon work?”
“Yeah, I suppose so. Well, here goes…” Riccarton said, reluctantly. Riccarton and Crispy had been keeping themselves invisible in the corner of the room, until Riccarton walked right up to Billy, and in his best scary pose made himself visible and let forth a bloodcurdling cry.
“Look, Mummy! It’s Mr Funnybones!” exclaimed a not even slightly frightened Billy. “Mr WHAT?!” asked Riccarton in dismay. Getting even more excited, Billy replied “Mr Funnybones! He’s on everyday after school. It’s the bestest thing on the telly!” Something inside Riccarton’s brain went snap.
“I beg your pardon?! I am not some frivolous television personality; I an a DEMON from the fiery pits of HELL!!!!”
A tall blond man suddenly looked up and saw Riccarton. Riccarton knew this wasn’t good.
“Wups.” He said quietly. The blond man turned to Billy and asked him to go outside, as he needed to speak with “Mr Funnybones.” Billy ran out the sliding door into the back yard. Then the man turned to Riccarton. It might be helpful to point out that Oscar, or “the blond man,” as you will know him, was Billy’s guardian angel.
“Okay hellfilth; let’s get this straight. Nobody touches my kid, especially not some filthy demon like you!” he snarled. By this time, the still invisible Crispy was trying to sneak out the back door.
“Crispy, mate, I could use a hand here!” said a very worried Riccarton. Crispy sighed, knowing his chance was gone, and became visible.
Oscar produced a water gun from behind his back. Crispy grinned.
“Ooh, look our, Ricc. He’s got a gun” mocked Crispy. Unfazed, Oscar held up his other hand and showed them a bottle he was holding. The bottle was labeled HOLY WATER, and it was empty.
Riccarton went pale, or would have if he had skin.
“Ah. Yes. Quite sorry to take up your time like that. If you’ll excuse me, my colleague and I were just leaving.” Riccarton attempted to weasel his way out the situation. Oscar stopped him and Crispy with a blast from his water gun. The demons groaned and dropped to the floor. Smoke peeled off them as they writhed and melted into two puddles of smelly brown goo.
Later, Oscar would blame the family dog for the nasty mess on the carpet.