Capital Pun-ishment

• Andy Law, Grade 10
• Short Story
• 2015

‘That’s when the prince says: “You should have seen the heir-or in your ways!”’
I burst out laughing uncontrollably as tears streamed from my eyes. That must’ve been the best joke I’ve told since the one about Batman and cricket. I looked towards Jack and Seb, fully expecting them to revel in my comedy gold, but they fumed in agony, sharp daggers pointing from their eyes. Pathetic, I gave them my best material and that is how they repay me? The uncultured swines.
Both of them grunted in acknowledgement. The library remained quiet.
‘Andy,’ Jack groaned, staring blankly at the English papers in front of him, ‘that’s the 5th pun you’ve made, and it’s only 8:30!’
Instinctively, I shot back.
‘Good grief Jack, now’s not the time to go into mo(u)rning!’

Pained groans filled the air. Hands gripped heads and eyes eagerly gazed at the exit, something so close, yet so far.
‘I’ve been a good person all my life, what have I done to deserve this?’ exclaimed Seb, fingers aimed at me as if I was a monster that had crawled from the shadows.
‘You can say this is your pun-ishment!’ I giggled uncontrollably, nearly falling off my chair.

The room fell into excruciating silence. No reaction? Was my one-liner too farfetched even for my friends, who have endured enough puns for a lifetime? Perhaps I was losing my touc-
The silence shattered like glass as the jokes clicked in. My friends reeled. Phew, I still got it.
‘Much as I would like to beat you up now Andy,’ Seb muttered, holding up a paper on persuasive techniques in feature articles, ‘I’ve got better things to do than waste my time.’
Jack murmured in agreement and soon both were invested in their school work again.

Eventually I too looked down at the papers in front of mess. My eyes rolled at the very first line of text.
‘Acids in Chemistry.’
Booooooring.
Jack grinned over my shoulder. He pointed at the mess of bonds and molecules sprawled across my page.
‘Should’ve studied more on those acids, huh? Not so funny now eh?’ He snorted.
As if I would give him the last laugh.
‘Why study the acidics when you can study the base-ics?’

A scrunched up paper on persuasive techniques whizzed past my head. The room erupted into out-roar as my friends pelted me with pens and pencils. Chairs screeched, followed by the sound of angry footsteps. The noise of the door slamming echoed throughout the building.
And just like that, I had cleared out the table. Silence filled the air, I couldn’t be that re-pun-gent, right?

Draping my legs over the table, I leaned back and enjoyed my new found silence. They’ll be back. No matter how awful the antic, how garbage the gag and how wretched the wisecrack, they’ll never rid themselves of my brilliance.
Trust me, I’ve tried, and no pun in ten did.