Ears And Women

• Aislinn Mcardle, Grade 8
• Short Story
• 2016

It was Paddy’s mother’s birthday and he wanted to do something spectacular for the grand occasion. He decided that he would invite their entire family to go out with them and share a meal together.

The problem was that Paddy had 3 women in his life – a wife, and two girlfriends, none of whom knew about one another – and each woman expected to be asked to go with him to the dinner. Paddy had no choice but to bring his wife, but what on earth was he going to do about the other two girls?

Eventually, Paddy booked a restaurant that had three separate floors. He sat down with his wife and family on the first floor and they began entertaining themselves with food, gossip, and quite a lot of raucous cackling.
After about twenty minutes, he suddenly felt an “urgent need to empty his bladder”.
He leapt from the table and performed a fabulous show of holding in the inevitable, before scurrying away muttering slightly embarrassed apologies.

Paddy traveled hurriedly to the second floor of the building. There he met again with Girlfriend Number 1 who was looking considerably bored after the half hour in which she had sat there alone.

“You took your time,” she said, a little resentfully as he sat across from her with his “flirtatious smirk” back in place.
“I am deeply sorry, my beloved,” he simpered. “I had not meant, nor wished, to stray from your side for so long”.

Number 1 smiled and leaned towards him, her face screwing up in preparation for the period of smooching she hoped was about to occur. Paddy grinned and he too went into kiss mode.
However, just before their lips touched, Paddy caught a glimpse of another woman, seeming rather put out, walking slowly down the stairs leading from the third floor.

‘Number 2!’ thought Paddy wildly, hurling himself into a frenzy of panic. ‘HIDE!!!’

Then Paddy remembered about Number 1 and started back from her hastily.

“What-“
“I have to go” Paddy interjected. “Woman up the back. Um, uh, work colleague.”
“YOU DON’T EVEN WORK!” she shrieked after him, but he kept walking purposefully in the direction of Number 2, who was now heading to the next set of stairs.

Paddy raced after her. He chased her all the way to the parking lot, where she was climbing into a car.

He shouted her name. She stopped. Turned, horrified. Then Number 2’s husband emerged from the driver’s seat.

“Oh no.” Paddy murmured. “Oh God”.

After that, all was confusion. A slap here, a punch there, the woman screaming for assistance. WHACK! BAM! Blood scattered everywhere. Then, a police car’s siren wailing.

“Yikes!” Paddy shouted, deep in pain. For it was then that the husband clamped his teeth on Paddy’s poor ear…..


Paddy and his wife divorced, he ended the relationships with the girlfriends and he remarried. His new wife pleaded endlessly with him to fix his tattered half-of-an-ear, but he refused, until his dying day.