I Am Stars

• Sofia Portelli, Grade 10
• Short Story
• 2020

I’m hollow. The inside of me is floating in the water below, whispering for me to follow. The steep ache burning inside of me clasps onto the thought of the collision. The collision of me hitting the water like my mother hit the ramp. I swallow in the air and take another sip of the liquid poison in my cup, chucking the rest on the grass beside me. I walk forward, my head spinning, legs tripping and falling over each other and hear the shouts from the crowd. ’Round 3!’

I throw my hands in the air and stumble towards the mass of people slurring and yelling in unison. As I approach the middle, the crowd erupts in song, screaming ‘sweetwine, sweetwine, sweetwine’ and I finally feel noticed. I am finally the anchor to all these idiots’ lives in this moment, but I don’t care. I waited so long to be noticed that I became the dark in the sky and the blue in the ocean. I had become the nothing I was afraid of, but now, after everything, after mum, after Jude…I loved it.

I watch as Justin collapses in the middle of the circle and everyone roars, clapping him on the back, handing him drinks, laughing. It’s like my own personal hell, but again, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. I close my eyes and think of Brian, of his eyes, of his hair, of his stupid bloody rocks. Then he’s floating in front of me, frowning. He knows what I’m thinking and he’s disappointed, everyone is, and normally I wouldn’t care but it’s him. It’s always him. I give him the finger, he turns around, his shoulders shrugged and I blink him away. I blink and blink and blink until his eyes, those sad, disappointed eyes are nowhere to be seen.

Justin’s shoe jostles me back to reality and I stagger up to him, swaying to the sound of the sea. ‘You know,’ I slur, pointing my finger a his chest, ‘I bet you can’t chug another cup… huh?’ I laugh and stumble towards him, snickering at the rage growing on his face. Before I know it he’s on top of me, clawing my face, the taste of blood filling my mouth. I push him off, brushing the dirt and grass of my back.
‘You think you're cool,’ he accuses ‘don’t you. Now that you have a buzz cut and precious friends, but you’re still that weird, art kid.’
Kick in the stomach, but bearable. 20% damage done, I’ll be fine. Then a whisper in my ear sends my walls tumbling down. ‘Overload’, my brain screams as my heart beats till it shatters, glass piercing my lungs.
‘I know your dirty little secret, Bubble. How’s Brian?’

OMG!

He smiles and walks to the keg, grabs 2 cups, fills them to the brim, eyeing me as he hands me the drink. My hands shake as I take the cup.
Does everyone know? Am I that kid now? I shut my eyes and listen to the sea, the waves. I know I’ll see mom soon, well, feel her, as she stops me from plummeting head first into the water. With her, the fear of the fall, off the landing, dissipates instantly.
‘Last one to finish jumps, huh?’
The words slip out of my mouth in a heap, and bury themselves in the ground beneath me. Justin’s eyes flicker from the light of the bonfire and his ego grows till he’s miles above me.

‘Ha, okay mate.’ His confidence doesn’t startle me. He’s bigger, he can take more, but me? I’m ready to jump, so ready, that as the liquid from the cup races down Justin’s throat, mine is left in the cup, my lips pursed so tight they’ve gone white. He throws the drink down and i’m ready, so ready to run and run and leap, but as I close my eyes, letting the water take me with it, Jude’s got her arms around me, caging me in. I yell and squirm letting everything out in kicks and hits and then I stop, and her grip loosens.
The last thing I see are the stars.