Cancer- The Unforgiving Killing Machine

• Rachel Baldock, Grade 9, Ocean Forest Lutheran College
• Short Story
• 2011

Excellence Award in the 'Step Write Up 2011' competition

Once again I felt the searing pain of my hair been ripped out; only, I had already shaved it short in my feeble attempt to try and subside my agony.
I felt that not only was my hair falling out, but my life was simply falling apart.

Nothing can prepare you for Cancer.
Its simple; Cancer doesn't care, it won't bypass people because they don't deserve it. Its an unforgiving killing machine.

At my last visit, the doctor told me, "Nobody asks for cancer, nore do they ask for the pain and frustration it causes their family and friends, but all you can do to help is to get through cancer. Take refuge in their love and support and just take one day at a time."

I could never wish this on anyone else, yet at the same time I wish it could happen to anyone else.
I have constant nagging thoughts of 'why me?' but the more rational part of my brain counteracts with the reasonable reply of 'why not me?' Which makes me wonder; am I being selfish? or would people not think badly of me? Would pity make them automatically forgive me, no matter how wrong I was?

Nowdays, it's getting harder with my nausea. The cancer is certainly diminishing my health, but the chemotherapy is whats really destroying my body. Even the granchildrens innocent sneeze can cause me hours of internal havoic, and lately I feel I am beginning to lose my war. My strongest defences are just fading away.

And what am I to do? Abandon my family because its starting to get hard? Just leave this Earth and tell them that they'll just have to fend for themselves, deal with the grief and get over it?
They all put on their masks while I'm there, but at night I can hear their muffled sobs and I can only imagine how much this is tearing them up inside. Just knowing the heartbreak I would cause,and that I'm causing, makes me feel incredibly guilty.

I wonder if maybe me dying would be easier, on them and on me. Would it be easier to just leave them with the happy memories we made together?

I look back on my life, and although their were many highs and lows, I still feel blessed. Odds are definatley against me, but I am going to keep on fighting.