Dagger Of Guilt

• Bronte Page, Grade 7, Bridgetown High School
• Short Story
• 2015

Excellence Award in the 'The Write Track 2015' competition

I pull the trigger and immediately the dagger of guilt settles in my stomach.
Why now, why here. With my heart pounding and my stomach churning like a washing machine, I knew now that this was not the life I wanted to live. Not the person I wanted to be. Not the dream I had when I was a boy. This was nothing but hell in the flesh, and I knew in my brain this was not where I wanted to die.
All around me, the bodies lay still. Pools of blood were in every corner. Limbs were scattered around the battlefield and the only light was the soft glow of torches held in weak or lifeless hands.
I kneeled beside you, my best friend, and put my hand into your heart, pulling out the bullet. You had died for me, you gave up your life for me and there is nothing I could do to repay you for that.
In my mind the scene replayed again and again. You jumped in front of the bullet and it hit you in the heart. The blood seeped out of your chest and anger invaded my body like poison.
You died. I lived.
My eyes water but I couldn't mourn. I didn't deserve to mourn. You killed yourself to save me and I couldn't waste my life here lamenting about your death. I wouldn't show it on the outside but I would secretly grieve on the inside, for the rest of my life.
I picked up my gun and walked to around the whole battlefield, saying prayers to every soldier that they would be all right in heaven. Because that’s where they were going. I went back to your body last and kicked your side. “Why’d you have to be so stupid?” I cursed.
I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth.
“Why didn't you just let me die?” I whispered, but I knew that you would never do that, as you were a true friend. I apologized profusely to your body and thought I saw the faint lines of your smile. That smile could brighten even the darkest of days.
Oh how I needed your smile today.
I prayed the most for you. Telling you that I’d tell your family about you and your story would be a legacy. It would be passed on from generation to generation. Finally I hugged your unmoving body, and with much resistance I left you behind.
I guess you never realize what you have until it’s gone.
I understood that today. You were the only thing I had and now you were gone, and I couldn't do anything to get you back. I finally gave into the fear and the hope I’d kept in me for the past 6 months and let myself crumple to the ground, crying gently.
This was where I ended.