Squeeze Your Cheeks Together

Excellence Award in the 'Read Write Repeat 2015' competition

It was hot, it was dry, it was boring! How long had I been here? It felt like I’d been walking with Dad for hours and it’s not like I wanted to walk along a fence with Dad. When he asked me it sounded more like a threat than a lovely stroll. “Now Eddie are you sure you went to the toilet before we left?” Dad asked slightly agitated.
“Yes Dad, you don’t have to treat me like I’m three.” I said while giving him a look “Edward,” he said “you are three!”
“NO I’M NOT!!” I replied furiously. “I’m three and a half.”
“Whoa! Eddie don’t get your knickers in a knot. It’s not that important.”
I was just about to lose my head and throw the world’s biggest tantrum when I felt a low grumble, which I knew too well. It grew into a pain in my lower gut. I couldn’t believe it. I had to use the toilet and it had to be a toilet not a post because, because I had to do a poo.
“I have to go to the toilet,” I said with great effort, (in my bum not my voice).
“Well go! There’s plenty of posts around here,” Dad said matter of factly.
“No you don’t understand… it’s a brown one,” I spluttered.
“Can you hold on till we get back?”
Sometimes I wonder about Dad. We have been together for three and a half years and he should know the danger by now. The danger that my bum might explode was growing with every step I took.
This situation didn’t just affect me. I was pretty sure Dad didn’t want, well you know what, all over him.
“No!” I screamed. “My bottom might blow up at any moment.” I dropped to the ground and writhed in agony.
“Come on princess.”
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” The pain had become unbearable.
“Oh,” Dad muttered. “How bad is it?”
I was lying on the ground struggling for my life and all he could do was asks how bad it was.
“Dad… I’m dying!!”
“Now come on,” dad says trying to stifle a giggle. “We will make a run for the ute.” I attempted to get up but quickly fell back down which nearly blew my whole system. “Dad,” I whimpered, “you’re going to have to carry me!”
“Fine,” he muttered obviously annoyed.
He picked me up with in both of his arms while avoiding my bum as he sprinted across the dirt towards the ute. Every step he took risked my bum exploding.
“Dad!” I screamed. “We’re running out of time!”
“Son, squeeze your cheeks together.” It sounded like a strange thing to say in this situation but I’d try anything. I placed my thumb and four fingers on the sides of my face and squeezed.
“I’m doing it Dad but it’s not working” I mumbled.
As soon as Dad looks he dropped me and started laughing and laughing and laughing.