On Fire: A Conversation With Myself

• Hannah Roux, Grade 12
• Short Story
• 2015

"You are only remembering so You cannot say it how it was, cannot reconstruct such splendid isolation, cannot say what was felt, heard, seen wondered at. How we were one and separate, how you were lonely and yet not alone, how we laughed, how we cried, how complete we were, how you were separated into parts, enveloped in glorious whole. How thorough the submersion, how all-consuming, how right. How brave we were. We were forged into firebrands, into swords of righteousness but we served of the Prince of Peace. We would not be aggressive, no we would not, that was not helpful in gaining disciples for the Lord! We would not charge like bulls at gates, we would be gentle but unashamed. The world trod us down but Christ would lift us up, he had made us righteous and given us these commands. And how unworthy were measly little humans of his blood, the blood that poured from his side, the pain, the sweat, the dirt! How ungrateful we were, worms in the dust! We don't normally think of this do we, we don’t normally, we should think of it more. The world was against us but Christ was for us and he would not fail us and they would see in the end. We should rescue them from eternal darkness. We had the light. We were ignored now but we were priests and prophets (all undeservedly chosen of course!) and we would overcome. We would soar on wings like eagles. We were right, we would be rewarded. We belonged, had place, had purpose, had thoughts that flew high and high and high, were forgiven, together. And I knew we were right. You knew we were just. You knew we would be right forever.
Forever is so short a time when you are sixteen. When you are sixteen forever is a month, a day, a lifetime. Best friends forever. Forever true. Forever young. Life has not yet struck its mark, living is not yet dying, truth is eternal – and love? Love conquers all.
God is love. Love is a pretty word.
Smiles brightly light shining faces and "hi" "hi" "hi" "hi" "hi"
Smiles. They all smile. You say hello, hello, they say and smile. And smile.

But it wasn't like that. You're remembering you see. You didn't see the smiles then. You added them in later.
"Hi!" Katie said "Let's go round the circle and say what kind of fruit we like!"
"Hi! My name is Lizzy. And I like...um...um… peaches!"
"Hi, my name's Taylor. Do I have to like a fruit?"
"Hi, I'm Sammie. I like oranges."
"Hi, I'm Dinah. Apples are nice."
"Hello" you say "I'm Ruth. My favourite fruit is the banana"
Maybe they didn't all say "hi" either. Maybe You added that in afterwards.

Because it all seemed so nice, at first. Before the fire. Before the missionary-fire, hell-fire, on fire for Christ. And you were on fire, burning. Smothered in ash."