I'm Not Loved

• Tia-Rae Napper, Grade 11, Cowell Area School
• Short Story
• 2016

Excellence Award in the 'Top Secret 2016' competition

I’m not loved.
That’s no secret. Everyone knows this. My parents, supposed friends, they all hate me.
It’s no secret that I’m only spoken to out of pity. Everyone thinks that I don’t notice but I do. I see it all. I see how they look at me when they think I’m not looking. I hear things they whisper to each other about me and I always end up hearing the rumours that were spread about me. They don’t think I notice how they never include me in anything, but I do. And it really hurts.
I never really understood why this was. But then I realised it’s because no one gets it. What it’s like to me that is. I’ve always known something was wrong. I was a very angry child but my parents and siblings never took any notice of bad things.
Now I’m not saying I’m a killer or anything. I can’t even kill a spider without having a panic attack. But sometimes I get so angry I want to hurt someone. And I know that that’s not normal. I know something is wrong. But no one else does.
I’ve tried to tell people that something is wrong but no one listens. I can’t even count the amount of times that I’ve asked my parents is I can go speak to someone or get looked at only for them to say no and then later forget I even exist.
They simply don’t care.
I don’t know how long I’ve been falling but lately I’ve felt myself falling into a deep, dark pit. I can tell by the way that my sisters and brother look at me that they don’t really love me. They just put up with me because I’m their sister. And my parents hardly notice me anymore unless it’s for a stupid mistake that I’ll get in trouble for. My younger sister constantly harasses me and my parents let her. I’ve shown them proof of the bullying but they don’t believe me. They never believe me with anything, never have and never will.
As soon as I get the chance, I’m leaving. Leaving the state, maybe even the country. I’ll never look back. Not at the people who I thought were my friends who ended up stabbing me in the back, not the family members that look passed me to the rest of my siblings and forgot me, not even at my parents who only ever yell at me.
Until then I just have to deal with it. I’ll keep trying to get back up out of this hole. It feels bad that it took me 16 years to figure it out but now that I have, I’ll just have to build up my walls and stop being so open. It only makes things worse.
My only wish is that one day someone finally notices how hurt I am. Maybe then, I can open up again and be something I’ve always wanted to be.
Happy.