Fear; Be Afraid

• Ciara Hadley, Grade 12
• Short Story
• 2016

doubt
/da?t/
verb
1. feel uncertain about

Dear Mother & Father

Please do not be worried for me. I would say I am fine, but we have made a policy not to lie to each other any more. What I will say is that we will be fine. The program is for the greater good. When you see me again I will be better.

Sometimes I still think of that afternoon at the spaceport where we said goodbye. I know you were angry with me then and, if you’ve any sense, you will still be. I wish I could remember what your anger looked like, but your faces are fading and I’m not even sure whether that afternoon was real. Please tell me it was real.

I want to say I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

/da?t/
verb
• disbelieve or lack faith in (someone)

Dear Mother & Father

I understand that work placement has begun and I would like to formally withdraw my application at the genetic programmer’s guild. Could you do that for me? One of the scientists told me that they couldn't let me go, not yet. I’m reacting too well or too badly. They say I can’t go. They tell me you don't want me. No one wants me. I’ve never been anything before this or anywhere before here and nothing is real anyway. Why did you never come for me?

Tell the guild master I should be back by Christmas, or, failing that, close after. The experiment must be almost over because the crowds here seem to be thinning. Eli left two weeks ago; he was with me on the ship over. His mother calls once a day or so to cry and scream. The scientists say she must be crazy. I’m not sure if the phone calls are real, though, because sometimes I breathe only air in from the receiver where I was so convinced your voices were there. Do you call me? I can’t say I’m sure, either way. I miss you.

Do you even notice I’m gone?

doubt
/da?t/
verb
• fear; be afraid

dear Mother & Father

There’s someone watching me. They’re all watching me and when I lift my eyes to see them they disintegrate away into darkness and dust and I cant see any more. I can’t see anymore. Is this real? Is this real? Is this real? The scientists tell me I’m fine, but I don't know anymore. I think I trust them.

I want to come home but I cant. Sometimes my heart feels like it yearns for nothing but the warmth of your embrace and other times it tells me I’m not wanted with you anyway.
Why did you never reply to my letters?

I’m sorry, but I wont write again. I’m sorry, but they say I’m moving on to another level tomorrow. I’m sorry, but I only ever wanted to make a difference anyway.

I’m sorry, so sorry.

Please don't let them take me.