A Cat's Diary: Translated Into Human-ese For Convenience's Sake

• April Li, Grade 7
• Short Story
• 2016

Day 1
Today I have officially been appointed an ‘owner’. I have yet to discover what this is, but I am assuming it is human-ese for ‘slave’. I have attempted to contact the humans to express my wishes, but they seem to be so backward that they cannot comprehend that I am communicating. Instead, they pat my head and tell me what a ‘good little kitty-cat you are’. I already know how good I am, so I do not need mundane humans telling me this. Nevertheless, I appreciate the compliment. My humans placed me inside a strange contraption, probably designed to keep me safe from the dangers of life, even though I could easily protect myself. However, the contraption that the humans referred to as a ‘cage’ was decidedly uncomfortable and rather inconsiderate of my needs, which, by the way, take priority over everything else. This ‘cage’ item was placed in a huge metal monster controlled by humans, rumoured to have taken the lives of hundreds of cats all over the world. It was first believed that the humans were rebelling against our rule, but it turns out that they were just too mundane to fully control the monsters. The humans also seem to name these beasts; the one my humans possess seems to be referred to as ‘Misoobisy’, which proves that humans have horrible naming sense. I really don’t understand them. They gave some pieces of raw meat in a bowl, and put me into a fluffy bowl filled with strange objects, presumably for my entertainment. I don’t, however, require such objects and expressed my disgust by tossing them out of my fluffy bowl (which will become my home from now on). The humans seemed disappointed that I disliked it, which they should be. I will now sleep and continue my study of humans tomorrow.

Day 2 of My Captivity
It seems that I was mistaken about these ‘owner’ people. They are not my slaves, as I previously thought, but are instead my captors. This explains their unwillingness to obey my commands and is the reason why this entry is titled ‘Day 2 of My Captivity’. I will now attempt to escape using all means possible, while taking notes that will be greatly beneficial to my kind. I first tried slipping out of the door, but to no avail. These humans have better eyesight than previously imagined. I must be more careful in future endeavours. The raw meat they feed me is obviously a way to keep me alive easily, until they find a use for me. The male captor went hunting today, bringing back bagfuls of peculiar substances only humans are capable of procuring. There was also an enemy bird in the garden today, and as I feel it would be prudent to gain my captors’ trust, I hunted down and killed said bird. My captors seemed to be pleased, as their petting was rather overzealous and hurt my back. But, I endured, since the ultimate goal is to escape this fortress.

Day 3 of My Captivity
Today the humans have begun consuming the items brought back by said male captor. They began by pouring something from a box, making the most horrible crackling noise. Then the delicious white substance that only humans have the capability of finding was poured into bowls with the horrible crackling things, which is a terrible waste. This was eaten with a miniature bowl stuck onto a stick, and after some experimentation I have decided that these objects are best suited for personal amusement. The tinkling sound made by tapped them with a claw is most satisfying indeed. After investigating further at dinner (the human name for the last meal of the day) I have discovered that these items are called ‘forks.’ There is also another object called a ‘spoon’ which is a similar to a ‘fork’ but instead of a bowl it has three long prongs for stabbing. This object has been classified as ‘potentially dangerous.’

Day 4 of My Captivity
Today was a rather uneventful, day, with no new discoveries. I hope to make more progress in the foreseeable future.