Saudade

• Liana Gibbons, Grade 7
• Short Story
• 2016

Saudade – a directly untranslatable Portuguese word meaning ‘the longing or love that lingers after someone is gone’.

Diary.
Entry one –
They all tell me you’re gone. People that I thought I could once call my own friends, telling me you won’t come back. How come they don’t realise you’re still here?

Entry two –
They told me I should visit your grave. I went so that they’d stop. Our friends cried silently. I never realised how silly it was to stare at a slab of stone and weep. It felt like they never stopped crying, though. I wondered, why are they crying? You were right next to me the whole time.

Entry three –
Our friends think I’m crazy now. Why can’t they see you? You’re always with me, smiling wistfully at me. But why do I feel like I’ve lost you even when you’re always with me?

Entry four –
Why do they want me to get help? Why do I need it? There’s nothing wrong with me. It’s like they think I belong in a mental asylum. Is it because of you?

Entry five –
They’re not crying because of you anymore. They’re crying because of me.

Entry six –
Are you really gone? Is what they’re saying true? I was meant to go to an appointment today. I didn’t – I couldn’t bring myself to do it. To accept the fact you might not really be here anymore.
Entry seven –
Everyone says I should move on, that you’re not even here anymore. I can feel your presence starting to fade. But why? If you really weren’t here all this time, why did it feel as if you were?

Entry eight –
You’re gone altogether now. It felt a bit like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Our friends came back and started talking to me again, though that still doesn’t change the fact that there’s still a faint pain in my heart that’s been there since you left.

Entry nine –
I think it’s finally time to let you go. I feel a bit guilty but upon talking to many people I’ve realised that it’s unhealthy to hold on to memories, no matter how good or bad, that you can’t recreate. Remember, you’ve always been my favourite, and you always will be.

Entry ten –
Since you left, I’ve learnt a lot. Even if you weren’t here all this time, you’ve still taught me that you have to say goodbye eventually.

Thankyou.


“You stopped smiling like you meant it and you’ve left.”