Eighteen

• Georgina Ray, Grade 10
• Short Story
• 2018

The nurse swiped the knife across my face, blood ran into my eyes. It cut into my skin smoothly and effortlessly. But I didn’t scream, I knew better than most that no matter how hard you kicked and screamed no one would hear you once they had shut the door to the cleaning room.
The cleaning room was not a place for storing cleaning tools. It would usually store things like bleach, scissors, axes... things that people wouldn’t pick out as odd in an orphanage. But these were not used for normal purposes and this was not a normal orphanage.
I lay still on the ground, not really seeing my surroundings. My name is Liel or child number eighteen. This was not the first time I had had my head pushed into a sink of bleach, beaten with knives or a hot poker from the fire. But this time was different: this was eighteen. Eighteen times I had been taken to the cleaning room, eighteen years since I had been dropped on their doorstep, eighteen times I had my confidence, self identity, innocence, ripped apart and dragged through the mud until it was unrecognizable.
The blank faced nurses stepped back. They never said a word, I don’t even think they could, they were simply dolls for a greater power. I slowly got up; the real pain was now coming from the inside rather than the outside. The door swung open easily as it always did when the cleaning was done. “A wicked child has been cleansed,” the nurses echoed, mindlessly, “wicked children need to be clean; we cannot have unclean, naughty children.”
I stopped at the window on the way to the bedrooms. The full moon was up, it was so beautiful. I stood there for a while. I had this feeling that when you have been thrown down so many times you honestly believe that, ‘one more time’ is all it will take to truly go insane.
Then I looked up. Above me was the outline of an air vent. No way. What about the other orphans? Was it fair to abandon everyone I had braved these hell years with?
But I knew that I would not wait for anyone. I would not stay for anyone.
No, it was not fair. But life was not fair. And so I wouldn’t hesitate. I would never hesitate ever again.
I pushed open the vent creating a loud crash as I went. I was way passed caution. No turning back. I started to crawl through the tight and suffocating air vent. I kept crawling straight ahead until my hands bleed and then the ground disappeared and I was falling. I hit the ground with a jarring impact. Then I opened my eyes. I was looking up into the night sky. More bright and wondrous than anything I had seen from a window. Tears began to spill down my face as I forced myself to start running.
“Please forgive me,” I whispered.