Yearn

I tried to sit up on the hospital bed but collapsed backwards. I tried again and again. Eventually I put my hands on my legs. I couldn’t feel anything. Literally. My legs were gone. Not just one, but two. I felt nothing in my chest. No hope, nothing. I bowed my head and shut my eyelids wanting to escape.

It was after swim practice climbing over the fence onto the construction site, laughter and chatter exploding out of our mouths. Clank. Screaming. Diving towards the side. Heavy metal rods hurtling down from the crane crushing my legs. Hayley! Hayley! Someone’s calling me but I can’t move. Sickening smell of dense blood.

A sharp gasp made me look up at the doorway.
“Mum” I whispered and stared at her dampened cheeks, my shoulders shuddering and let the tears cascade.

The next few months, I was glued to the wheelchair and stayed mostly in bed, not because I was sick but I wasn’t ready to face the cruel reality. My swimming friends occasionally visited but I refused to see them because they reminded me too much of my past. I tore my swimming ribbons and medals down, threw away my fins, goggles, and cap, burnt all the proud pictures of me and friends grinning on the podium and told my family to never speak about swimming again.

I thought I had it all. 13 years of competitive swimming, training every single day getting up at sunrise to swim, going home at sunset after swimming. I even thought I could be an Olympian. I thought. I seem so nonchalant but I learned how to forget about my pain and struggled to stop crying over it because if you can’t fight reality, you need to accept it.

“Do you mind?” I glared at mum as she barged into my room.
“Hayley, I’m sick of this. I booked an appointment for a physical therapy session. I can see your eyes yearning for change. I don’t want to hear anything, so get out.”
The office was white with the fragrance of cherry blossoms wafting in my nostrils. The whole atmosphere felt therapeutic until the woman in the robe came in. I answered all her idiotic questions and did exercises in front of the woman feeling like a useless experiment. She came back with the results.
“Hayley has extraordinary abdominal muscles and her shoulders and arms are capable of functioning well without her legs.”
“Yes, since Hayley has been swimming ever since she was two.” mum interrupted as I pierced my eyes at her. She ignored it and started at the woman.
“Poor Hayley. We have an aquatic centre where patients can spend their time regaining their hobbies…”
“No. I don’t want your pity.” I whispered and strutted out of the office making sure to slam the door on both of their obnoxious faces.

Deep down I knew it was true. I yearned to swim, I yearned for my past, I yearned for change.

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