Heartsick

• Chelsea Ceely, Grade 9
• Short Story
• 2019

To Georgie my wonderful brother

By your age you have been told that monsters don’t exist. That monsters just exist in your imagination. That they can’t hurt you, or harm you in anyway. But I’m here to tell you that it’s false. Monsters can exist in your mind, and control you In ways you could never imagine.

My monsters name was heartsick. He was a black spiky monster. He had blood red eyes that could suck the soul out of you with a single glance.

Heartsick was a monster that would come attack me when I was feeling sad, anxious or alone. He would whisper horrible things in my ears like, “you’re nothing without me”, “you suck” and “those people are staring at you”. Even though he was the worst, it felt like he was a part of me, I was afraid to get rid of him. I thought everyone had their own monster like him, I thought I wasn’t the only one, I thought I was normal, but boy was I wrong.

Almost everyday I woke up after 2 hours sleep. Most people choose to sleep late, but I didn’t. Heartsick slept right next to me, and fed me thoughts. “You’ll never be good enough”, “everyone is better than you”, “you’ll never have any friends”. These thoughts came into my mind every night, no matter how much I didn’t want them to. I haven’t had a good sleep in years. Every morning it was a struggle to get out of bed. A simple task that everyone can do, seemed like climbing MT Everest to me. Everything I tried to do was a struggle, even eating seemed like a chore.

School is something that most kids don’t particularly enjoy, but for me i see it as the gateway to hell. Walking into the school gates just made me tremble with fear, and my monster would basically push me inside the gates. School was the one of the biggest stresses in my life. All the homework, assignments and people made me so nervous it made me shake. To make things worse my monster was always by my side, no matter what subjects or time of the day he was there. Whispering the same horrible things. I always sat alone, I had no friends I mean who would want to be friends with me.

My favourite part of the day is when the school bell rings, where I can leave the most stressful space I know. So I can blast music through my headphones and just walk, not caring and drowning all the people out, the only time I could leave my monster. This walking time was lonely, but I found that comforting.

I got home, from a horrible day of school. It felt good to be in my own house, where I could melt into my own sadness. This was a time where I would feel sorry for myself and finally not worry about all the eyes on me. I don’t have to worry about people judging my all black outfits, or my weird brown short hair. I didn’t care what people thought about my introverted way of life, or how I’m selectively mute. This was the only time I can cry in peace. The place where I can cry about my loneliness. The place where I talk to my monster. where most of my battles have been lost.

My room was the only place I could be myself. The place I could take this “mask” off. Because your monster isn’t a figure, it’s apart of you. Your monster will be apart of you forever. You can defeat your monster, but it’s no walk in the park. I’m not sure if you miss me or not Georgie, but I just want you to know that even though we have only been friends for 3 years, you’re everything a 15 year old could wish for.

Sincerely
Daniel Smith