Saudade

• Ashley Westling, Grade 10
• Short Story
• 2020

Saudade: Meaning an emotional state of nostalgic/melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one cares for/loves while, at the same time, being positive towards the future. It often carries a knowledge that the object might never be had again.

Wisps of smoke settling around us, our clothes drinking in the intoxicating smell of the burning wood before it spiraled past the trees into the cloudless sky. Our mouths were sticky with melted marshmallows as the sticks lay forgotten at our feet. The heat radiating from the fire turned my cheeks pink.
She looked at the sky, the light of the campfire made her shine with warm ethereal beauty. The fluffy hood of her parka ruffled in the wind as her short hair blew around her face. Cicada’s buzzed as the leaves above them swayed in the night.
“What’re you going to do after school? You still want to be an astronaut?” Her voice was soft and… scared. She didn’t bother looking at me, her attention now trained on the orange flames swirling in the cool dark. The light of the fire danced in her honey eyes, painting yellow and orange kaleidoscopes.
I nodded. A short shiver racked her body as she pulled the parka closer, the heavy green jacket dwarfing her small body. She frowned. “One day, I’m going to be able to join you and explore the galaxies,” Coughing into her elbow she sighed, “But for now I’ll be content to watch you.”
She turned to me, gently punching my arm with a teasing smile “So don’t mess up idiot,”
“I’ll try,” I laughed “But only if you try too,”
“My heart disease doesn’t just disappear you know. Mum’s saving for a surgery though. And once I’m in the clear you can be my co-pilot!” She laughed, a beautiful warm sound challenging the bitter cold of the night. It alone could replace the fire and keep me warm.
We settled in silence, relishing in the comforting atmosphere the bush brought. In that moment we were alone. Just 2 dumb teens on their last camping trip before their final year of school started.
“I wish it could stay this way forever” She said, smiling at me, a smile I will never forget. It was the same smile she gave to me the last time I ever saw her. When she reassured me, she’d be fine as the nurse pushed her wheelchair away, down the cold blank halls of the hospital, towards the surgery.

Years later I stood in the space shuttle, staring out into the starry infinity. A long-lost sense of peace washed over me.
I looked down at the frayed friendship bracelet, remembering the melodious sound of her laugh carrying through the dead of night and the way her soft hands held mine as we shared in each other’s comfort, not a care in the world.
I looked back to the stars, taking me back to that night we went camping and back to her.
“Me too,”