A clandestine moment

• Nicole Ferguson, Grade 12
• Short Story
• 2006

You light the match and wait for the familiar smell to waft up to your nostrils and through your body, making you feel slightly nauseous but that is how you like it, isn't it? You reach forward and light each of the five waiting candles in succession, cursing yourself for not lighting the one at the back first. Your right forearm now has a smudge of charcoal in the centre from the flame. The match continues to burn down to your fingertips but you don't stop it: it's fascinating.
It burns you and snaps you out of your reverie. You snuggle back into your beanbag, the comforting sounds of the beans moving beneath you as you breathe in and out...in and out. The flames are soothing. You can see the heat rising and dissipating around you. It now appears non-existent but you can feel the heat being drawn toward you. Up close, the flame looks as if it is floating. The blueness of the centre melts upwards into an iridescent yellow that is almost too bright to stare at. Almost.
You want to touch it. Your fingers move through it, barely feeling the heat. There should be pain shouldn't there?
You're not thinking about the flame anymore, your hands have a mind of their own.
There is music coming from somewhere and seems like it could be a part of the soundtrack to your life. It's your song. You know the one.
Has the world changed, or is it still the same? In the little time you have sat here, things have happened and you are still none the wiser. Story of your life. Things change, people change, yet you never seem to, as if you can't keep up. It's intoxicating, the memories of what was and the anticipation of what will be. A memory cannot be erased; it can be suppressed, but a life without memories, even the painful ones, is not a life lived; it is a life forgotten.
You are who you are and at this very second your past has created you. Fate does find you. Karma does come around. You have the choice about your future and there are no wrong choices, just different endings. Everyone has a different life and in the end the only reality you must face is your own. You cannot run. Fear it, embrace it. Passion is the only key to the lock on your potential. You can do it. What’s stopping you?
It's your life, live it.
No regrets.
Ever.