I Don't Know

• Jovi Hayes, Grade 10
• Short Story
• 2022

I can feel nothing. I am numb. I feel neutral. But I feel everything. I feel sad, depressed, mad, all the above. Yet, I feel nothing. Nothing when I think of birthdays, happiness, death. I feel weird. I do not like it. I have nothing to do, nothing to care for but I must do everything and care about everyone. I am confused. I want to talk about it, but I do not know what I have to say. I just do not know. I hate not knowing.

I want to be in control, but I do not want the pressure. I want everything to be the same, but some things change. Sometimes they need to. I have all this work to do before I die but I might die tomorrow. I might want to die tomorrow. I might want to die right now.

Nothing I do is good enough, and it is my fault. Everything I have means nothing anymore. I want to change everything about me, but I cannot. I am not loved by anyone, including me. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. I hate how much I cannot help people.

I want to help everyone even if I am the one who needs help. I have so many issues and I forget about them. I forgot how stupidly weird I am. I hate it. I am losing friends because of who I am. I hate who I am. I am not worthy of love. I never will be. I know this because nobody notices. I want to leave this world. Why live in a world that hates me? A world that I will never fit in. People just do not understand. They will never understand.

Death is a fear for some people. Something that keeps you up at night. To me, it means nothing. If it happens, it happens. I am not going to try and stop it. Why would I? The inevitable will happen, and this will happen. Why stop what will happen if it comes a bit early?

Things have colour, but I do not see it. I was able to see brightness last year. The last time I remember was Christmas. I saw joy and happiness. Now that is gone. I see depression, anxiety, and OCD. I see my problems. Problems I cannot solve alone. I want to do it alone. If I do not do it alone, I feel stupid. Inadequate. I feel like the problems. I am my own problem. I make my life miserable. I might as well die. It will not hurt as much as living, surely. Nothing could. Our world sucks it will only get worse. And even if my life went on and ended well, would it be worth it? Would this pain, pressure, and torture be worth it? I do not know.