A Biography Of Harvey Krumpet: One Man Like Many

Some are born great. Some achieve greatness and, some have greatness thrust upon them. Then there are others. Harvey Krumpet was born in the cold valleys of Poland in 1922. Harvey was born into the world upside down back to front. He was named Harlic Meelosh Krumpetski. His father’s name was Muchick. He was a lumberjack with hands as big as shovels and hair that smelt of pine needles. His mother’s name was Lillyanna, a weary woman with lead in her veins from working in the mines. She was obsessed with counting her fingers and had conversations with people who just weren’t there. Most of the village people stayed well clear. But she didn’t need friends now that she had her little miracle, Harvey.
Harvey grew strong and healthy. He had his father’s ears and his mother’s hope and heart but soon his parents began to notice peculiarities. He began to have odd twitches and he liked to touch things with his index finger for no reason at all. Whenever he met someone he had to touch them on the nose. The doctor said he had Tuerets Syndrome, a brain disorder which means he couldn’t control his impulses, it was like trying to control a sneeze. There was no cure or explanation. At school Harvey was called thick. His friend was called Baboosh. He stuttered and he had problems with his nose. Together they were tricked, teased and tortured, until his mum pulled him out and filled his brain with all sorts of facts. An ostriche’s eye is bigger than its brain and an elephant can’t jump. Everyday he wrote his facts in a book he carried everywhere. Through time his mother grew smaller and madder, fizzling into insanity. One night Harvey went camping and came home to find his house burnt to the ground. His mother had left the stove on.
Harvey sailed to Australia, his life was turned upside down and back to front again. He rented a house with 7 other migrants. Not long after he changed his name to Harvey Krumpet, just so he would fit in at his new job at the Spotswood Dump. Many years went by and his hair fell out and he grew wrinkled. He learned to speak English by buying an old TV from the Op Shop. At work he tried to make friends but it didn’t work out, they just seemed to punch him. He ended up fracturing his skull. The doctors inserted a steel plate between his scalp and skull and stitched him up with 19 stitches. This left him with a scar that looked like he had a lobotomy. Harvey wished he had more hair. He quit the dump and tried new jobs like selling pencils. He seemed to get sacked a lot and he didn’t know why, but he was always discovering more facts like rubberbands last longer if refrigerated and time does not heal all wounds. One day Harvey got a job collecting golf balls; this was where Harvey got struck by lightning. He survived and made it into the local newspaper. Harvey still couldn’t believe he had survived so much bad luck; he felt like he was a victim to the world. He decided to sit in the park next to a statue and as he sat the statue started talking to him “seize the day Harvey, seize the day.” Those simple profound words struck a chord. Harvey decided to turn his world upside down and back to front again. He stopped believing in fate and did just what the statue said. He joined a nudist group and became a vegetarian and lived life to the fullest. He lived it with all his new nudist friends who had talked to statues too. He died in 1992 and when he did his eyes were closed.
And that was the now happy life of Harvey Krumpet.


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