Never Embrace It.

• Maria Man
• Short Story
• 2006

I can be furious. Either that or I can be considerably annoyed. Or I can just roll my eyes and pretend that it doesn’t really affect me. But now it does. No matter how much the accuser tries to justify its meaning, it will not erase the fact that they just said it. And if they look into a thesaurus in a vain attempt to somehow substitute it, I can at best marvel at their ingenuity that has been endeavoured by many.

My mind dives into the deep introspective contemplation. Maybe I unconsciously shoot out invisible jagged shards of thought-bending hypnosis to an unsuspecting bystander, thus forcing them to utter that dreaded one-syllable word. If I could only harness that power and forbid it to cause me the inconvenience of defending myself with the phrase ‘NO I’m not!’ (which is employed with such incessancy I think one can mark it as a cliché) Or even if I am doomed to automatically unleash that reaction from the victim why can’t I use that same authority to make them stop grinning so innocently and laugh after I try to deflect their unintentional slash at my self image?

“If you are called something long enough, you will think it is true even if you KNOW that it is completely false…” they stated so convincingly. They as in the cheery inspirational people invited by the school to make us stress less, become inspired and happy – since that apparently makes us become more intelligent and thus encourage the forthcoming generations to follow our footsteps and pay the extraordinarily expensive entrance exam to attend this exceptionally academically elite school…

Oh great. Now one must juggle with two demanding problems of seemingly gigantic proportions. I need to somehow unconsciously eliminate my recently discovered (but not yet controllable) power to make people call me what I know I’m not… AND protect my mind at all costs so that it may prevent the horrific envisagement… that instead of preserving my self-worth, I abandon all and chortle my pristine phrase ‘Yes I am! I know I am! Thank you!’ and flash my perfect pearly white teeth in a crescent of a smile while declaring to the world that I have finally embraced who I am…

Shudder. What a nightmare.

Maybe it isn’t so bad if I just accepted it. I can’t find a way to control it. So might as well give it a hug and be full of open-mindedness and move on… WAIT. Did I just think that? Oh my gosh. This is more serious then what was diagnosed… I’m swiftly entering the one way trip to mental disillusion. NO! Come on, steel yourself… your mind is a strong formidable fortress and no Trojan horse is going to break your defences. Gird yourself with the breastplate of wit. Strap on your shoes of denial. Fight the good fight! Do not compromise. Do not negotiate. Slaughter it. Never consent. No leeway or rationalisation.

You are not CUTE.