You looked my way...

• Yasmin Amelie abas
• Poetry
• 2003

You looked my way

and a part of you was inside me

Not even I,

confident and in control

expected that moment

to shake the ground on which I stand.

I’m at your feet

while she is on a pedestal

and I spy at the both of you

perfect together

I am number three

I come last

everytime.

You were my religion

In the holiest of wars

being fought within me.

I know

the impossible

is truly impossible

and it won’t be heaven

on Earth

for me

and my dreams

of you.

I’m closing my eyes

to tears

you’re a stain

beneath my skin

that I can’t wash off

no matter how hard

I scrub and clean

all that’s left is soap and water

and you,

you are always there

always making me hate

myself for loving you.

You’re speaking

but all I hear are lies

all I’m seeing is the two of you

and me in the background.

You’re inside me

But I’m outside you,

and I can’t pretend

I can’t understand

I can’t do this anymore

or I will bleed myself dry.

The endless cycle

is everlasting

following you

but never walking beside.

Coming to another crossroad

I reluctantly walk forward

but you’re always

out of reach.

Another second I’m giving to you

for nothing in return.

I gave you me,

all that I am,

but you never wanted anything from this heart or mind.

Give me the chance

and I’d die for you

but I’m already dying

and you haven’t noticed.

The language of

silence and

secrecy,

stolen looks,

unfulfilled hopes,

it’s my incurable disease

all that I’m living for,

all that I will die for

if I let you inside again.

I can’t.