Dark Secrets

• Katerina Vega
• Short Story
• 2008

I lay back in the recliner chair and closed my eyes as the silence surrounded me, ringing in my ears. The complete stillness of the air took hold of me and tried to strangle me, suffocate me, choke me. Every little sound was magnified to one hundred times its volume, nearly deafening me but I ignored it. My breathing sounded so loud, I was surprised that no one else could hear it; oh yeah, no one was here to hear it; I was completely alone, alone for eternity.

Suddenly the sound of the phone ripped through the quiet and stillness, lifting the dead air and bringing things back to life. All of a sudden the little world around my armchair was alive. Too bad the same couldn’t be said for me.
My eyes fluttered open and I sighed. How dare someone disturb my silence and thoughts?
I struggled out of the chair, my skirt flipping up most inelegantly, but I didn’t care, I’m not sure I actually cared about anything anymore. I stood and stretched, taking my time getting to the phone, hoping that it would stop before I got there so I could continue my avoidance of humanity and reality but the phone cruelly persisted. I picked up the hand set and held it to my ear, and answered “Hello?”, my voice hoarse from my endless silence.

I waited for a reply but all I heard was a loud sobbing coming from the other end of the phone. Frowning slightly, I asked again but my voice was louder and more curious “Hello?”
The sobbing stopped and the person sniffed before they whispered in a thick voice “Hey, Cassie, is that you?”
The woman sounded familiar and I tried to recall who she sounded like before I replied “Yes, who is this?”
“It’s Amy; I need to talk to you”.
I paused, wondering what might have caused my friend of five years to dissolve into such hysterical tears.
“What do you need to talk about?” I asked curiously.
“I d-don’t want to talk about it on the phone. I know th-this must be annoying, but can you come over to my place?” Amy pleaded, her voice shaking.
“Yeah, I’ll be over in a minute” I agreed courteously but not really wanting to go.
“Thanks Cass, means a lot” she mumbled softly.

I put the phone back down and turned to look at my apartment, conscious of what it looked like for the first time in days.
Various items of clothing littered the floor and paper was strewn across the room so that you could hardly see the deep red carpet beneath. I ran my hand through my disheveled dark brown hair, staring at the quiet chaos around me. I sighed and with the absence of the noisy phone my sigh was once again magnified to a much louder volume, the sound reverberating around the once again dead room.

I took a quick shower and got dressed in comfortable but warm clothes, ready for the cold snowy weather outside. I exited my warm apartment and closed the door on the mess, like I had closed the door on all the painful memories and locked it with a key, so long ago. I shooed the unwelcome thought from my mind and made my way down the elevator and out the front door of the building. Snow swirled around me, falling softly into my hair and getting it wetter than it already was from my shower. I shook the snow off and hailed a taxi.

The way to Amy’s house was quiet, well, apart from the cab drivers music which he turned up to a considerable volume when it came to a song that he clearly liked.
We came to Amy’s house and I paid the driver and stood unmoving and dreading the human contact that I had agreed to, as the taxi drove away, the wheels of the cab turning slightly in the slush of the snow. Amy’s house was small, more like a modern cottage really, I thought as I made my way up the well known and slippery path, leading to her door. I knocked the heavy wood moodily as I prepared myself for the much avoided emotional encounter that I had been dreading and hitched a fake smile on my face. I hadn’t smiled in a long time and it felt like I was giving my cheek muscles a real work out after so much time of just existing. I rubbed my hands together to warm them up and waited as I heard soft but hurrying footsteps approach the other side of the door. It flew open and there stood Amy.
Her long, blonde hair was arranged in an untidy bundle on top of her head and she was wearing fluffy slippers, teddy bear pajamas and a bright pink night gown. Her bright blue eyes were very red and so was her nose, evidence that she had been crying.
She was a mess.

I raised my eyebrows and asked, shocked “What happened Amy?”
She stumbled slightly and supported herself on the door frame and sniffed. She beckoned me inside and I followed her into the house and she shut the door behind me. She swept a stray strand of hair out of her face as her eyes filled with tears. I put my arm around her shoulders supportively and the simple sign of affection and the human contact sent her sobbing onto my shoulder. I patted her back awkwardly and offered mumbled words of consolation. I steered her to the plush, beige couch and sat down next to her as she sank submissively into the comforting material. I patted her on the back again and pressed her to tell me what had caused her so much grief.
“M-my b-brother he-he died of a heart attack” she wept, covering her wet face in her hands.
I held her silently as she wailed into my shoulder but I felt nothing. I was empty. Someone had died and I had no emotion? How could this be? Was I as heartless as that? Yes, I was heartless; ~he~ had stolen my heart.
Matt.
He had ripped out my heart, torn it to pieces, and stomped it into dust. He had stolen the thing that made me feel, the thing that gave me emotion and the one thing that I had left. He took my everything.
Wait, how could I be thinking of ~him~ when my friend was so sad? What was wrong with me?
I chased the thoughts of Matt out of my mind and threw my concentration into making Amy feel better. For the rest of the evening, Matt didn’t come to the forefront of my mind, but I knew he never truly left my thoughts. I stayed at Amy’s until five thirty, consoling her and making her feel better. It eventually worked and as I left, she waved goodbye with a genuine smile on her face. I caught another cab back to my apartment and readied myself to meet the chaos of my living space. I was walking up the stairs when someone yelled out my name.
“Cassie!”
I turned around, shocked. I knew that voice so well, I had craved that voice, I had waited for that voice, I loved that voice. My eyes searched through the gently falling snow, looking for who I knew that voice belonged to.
Matt.
He ran up the steps after me and came to stand in front of me. He was exactly as I had remembered him. Medium height, black soft hair that slightly fell over his big, lovable green eyes which caused me to melt every time he looked at me.
I stopped myself from gasping out loud and instead watched him with wonder and pain. He had hurt me, but somehow, I still loved him more than words could ever say.
“Cassie” he said again, as if he was just saying my name, feeling how the words fell from his lips. I forced myself to speak even though the heart that I thought was gone was hammering at my ribcage, demanding to be let out and to tell Matt how I really felt.
“What do you want Matt?” the words were harshly spoken and said with a resentful tone that I didn’t even know I had, much less wanted to use on Matt.
“I wanted-I wanted to-to” he stuttered and I watched in curious fascination as a red flush crept from his throat and all the way to his face. He finally managed to calm his voice but he was still blushing furiously. He looked so adorable when he was blushing. But, no, I shouldn’t think that; he broke my heart, why should I care for him?
“Cassie, I wanted to see you” he finally managed to blurt out. My brain seemed to fog over; why would he want to see me? But with the fog that covered my brain in a thick blanket, I could think of no viable explanations.
I said nothing to his outburst, I couldn’t think of anything to say. So I just crossed my arms and watched him look around at everything but me. I noticed he was nervously playing with his hands and he suddenly reminded me of a jumpy, anxious little boy. I refrained myself from rushing up to him and kissing that adorable face and instead kept watching him stutter. He eventually managed to gulp down his nerves and say softly, but staring at his feet “I wanted to say sorry”.
He glanced up at me, his breathtaking green eyes searching for my approval.

The words took a stab at the heart I didn’t know I had and all my anger came seeping back.
“Well it’s a little late for sorry, don’t you think?” I spat, screwing up my face in anger.
I could tell that it hurt him, it hurt like hell, but strangely enough it hurt me too. I ignored the pain and started to move away up the stairs, to my refuge and my hell, but his words stopped me and I turned back.
“I only left because you weren’t talking to me, I thought you wanted it to be over” he said indignantly, looking at me reproachfully.

I glared at him, seething with bottled up anger that was about to explode from my body.
“Not talking to you? You ignored me, just when I needed you most you completely ignored me!” my words started softly and rose to a screaming crescendo as my anger grew. He took a step back from me in surprise but regained his composure as my words went right through him like a knife.
“I wasn’t ignoring you! I would never do that! You were the one who wouldn’t talk to me, every time I tried to, you turned away. What was I supposed to think? I thought you wanted it over, so I gave you what you wanted, because that’s what I’d do for you; I’d give you whatever you wanted, because I love you!” the words seemed to be unplanned and he blushed as soon as he said them. It was my turn to be surprised and take a step back.
Love me?
What?
Love me?
Impossible!
He broke up with ~me~
How could he love me?
No, this isn’t real!
Seriously; love me?
Endless thoughts rushed through my head so fast that they were making me feel dizzy. I steadied myself and looked back at Matt, as I flicked a long strand of my dark brown hair out of my face.

I finally managed to say the words that I had wanted to say, every time I had turned away from him out of nerves.
“I wanted you to understand, and every time I tried to tell you, I couldn’t; I thought you would leave.” I said softly.
He frowned in confusion but I could tell he was listening earnestly.
I continued, wringing the hem of my jacket as I realized this was it; I had to tell him what I had kept secret all these years.
“Matt, I can’t-I can’t have you. I can’t do intimate relationships, b-because when I was fourteen, something-something bad happened” I stuttered, not looking at him in the eyes but I knew he was concerned now.
He reached out to touch my arm in consolation but something inside me kicked out of place and I screamed. I jumped back in fright of my own voice and I slipped on the ice. I fell hard on my butt and it hurt. I didn’t get up.
I just sat there and sobbed my heart out. The pain of the memories that had flooded my mind had mixed with the physical pain of falling on the cold, hard icy steps and I bawled. I suddenly felt warm arms wrapping around me and holding me close. I tried to squirm away and beat my fists on his strong chest, trying to get him away, he didn’t deserve this.

He didn’t let go though, he just crouched there in the snow, holding me close to his body, stroking my hair.
“It’s ok Cassie, tell me what it is” he whispered into my ear, his voice calming me slightly, but his words getting me even more worked up.
“No you don’t understand Matt. I was raped” I sobbed.
The words were finally out and there was no going back. There was no going back from any of it now.
I felt Matt stiffen and his heart was hammering against my shoulder. Suddenly he pulled away. I had fully expected him to run when he found out, it was only a matter of time; who could want to stay with me, who could love me with that in my past. I didn’t even look at him as he pulled away; I just sat there in the wet snow crying in despair; I was alone once again.

Suddenly unexpected warmth surrounded me again and I looked up in surprise. Matt had stood up to take his jacket off and cover me with it. He wasn’t leaving. I looked up at his face and he crouched down next to me again. His beautiful eyes were warm with deep felt concern and they heated my heart as much as his comforting warmth heated my body.
“Y-you’re not leaving” I choked between retreating sobs. His eyes widened in shock as he heard my words and he even looked hurt.
“Never Cassie. I’m always here and I promise I will never leave”.
I looked at him in wonder. How could he still want to love me after what had happened to me?
He seemed to guess my thoughts and he leaned down tilting my chin upwards so that I would have to look him straight in the eyes.
“Whatever happens, or whatever has happened will never make me stop loving you.” His intense eyes burned into mine and the emptiness that I had felt when he left disappeared; I was whole. For the first time since forever I was whole.

I couldn’t say anything; I was too exhausted and speechless and he seemed to understand. He smiled sympathetically and scooped me into his arms, lifting me off the wet ground. He held me close to him as he turned to make his way to my apartment. I burrowed my wet face into his shirt, drenching it in tears but it brought out his heavenly smell that I had been craving ever since he had left.
“You wouldn’t believe how much I missed your smell” I murmured sleepily as we entered the elevator. He looked down at me in alarm and cried worriedly “I smell?!”

I laughed at his reaction; my first laugh in I don’t know how long, but it reminded me what it was like to live and it lifted my heart so so that I felt happy.
I was happy.
I giggled, nuzzling into his shoulder and muttered “No, you smell sweet”. He relaxed his body but crooked his eyebrow at me and asked “Sweet?”
I grinned a little and nodded, my head rubbing against his warm chest. I couldn’t believe I was here right now, in his arms, but as he gently put me down in bed and covered me with the blankets, I realized it was where I belonged and where I would stay.
Matt didn’t care about my dark secrets; he cared about me and he loved me. I smiled as I thought this and mumbled softly “I love you.”
There was a pause as he lay down next to me and pulled me close to him. I felt his warm breath on my face as he whispered “I love you too”.